Leon

Hi everyone, Leon here with a quick note ahead of today’s episode. You might notice that Leo sounds a little different in these final three episodes of season two. I recorded my lines for these quite a bit later than the rest of the season, and in that time I’ve started testosterone. I was hoping to build in a time skip for season three, to explain Leo’s voice change in-universe. But because of the hiatus, it just didn’t work out that way. So for now, I just wanted to let you know, and to say: Don’t even worry about it! It’s not a cryptic character choice, it’s just an exciting development in my own life. So, with that in mind, enjoy the episode.

Opening theme begins

Leon

Wasting Company Time presents Tell No Tales, season two. Episode Twenty-Three: Utility and Sentiment

Opening theme ends

[SFX: Classical music playing, pages turning]

[SFX: Recording begins]

Leo

Audio diary of Leo Quinn, Specialist Surveyor for Frank Williamson. Right. One more name left on the list. We have a place of importance, we have a couple of potential objects of importance, but we don’t know where to find them. Riley’s looking into the current owner of Ben and Nathaniel’s childhood home, just in case there’s anything left over there. And in the meantime, I’m going to chat to Penelope Smith, that last remaining spirit on the list. If she can’t help, the last resort is finding out what happened to that suitcase that was given to Ben when Nathaniel died. (SIGHS) But we’re cutting it close. We don’t have much more than a week until the full moon. So, no pressure or anything.

Case JT#2062, category one, case status resolved. Penelope Smith, apparently a member of Nathaniel’s travelling evangelist group. Which might require a slightly different tactic. The other spirits didn’t know much about him, but were happy to rant about how much they hated him for as long as the tether would allow.

Whereas Penelope, if she was sort of a follower of his, it’s safe to assume she has a somewhat different opinion. But she was also a fair bit younger than him, and outlived him by about twenty years, so if there’s any sort of trail to follow with his belongings, she’s bound to know, right? Guess we’ll find out. (SIGHS) Right. Here goes nothing.

[SFX: Ghost recorder switched on, stasis capsule opens, classical music continues playing diegetically]

Leo

Hi, Penelope Smith? You’re in a Better Place facility, can I ask you a few questions about Nathaniel Gilbert?

Penelope

I… Yes, sorry. It’s difficult to get my bearings. Nathaniel, you said? I knew him well, he was truly one of a kind.

Leo

(DEADPAN) He sure was. Unfortunately, his spirit is stuck behind and we need your help moving him on. For his own comfort, you understand. To do so, though, we need something that belongs to him. something of emotional significance. Would you happen to know of anything like that?

Penelope

He didn’t really put much stock in material belongings. He knew that earthly possessions often equated to greed and corruption. He was very wealthy, you know, but when he got sick, he started giving that money away to all the people who needed help. He was incredibly generous.

Leo

People like Melanie Cameron?

Penelope

Oh, yes, her. She needed his help quite badly, but Nathaniel never gave up on anybody. He was wonderful like that.

Leo

Yeah, he was very persistent, so I’ve heard. Did he give his belongings away, then, at the same time as the money?

Penelope

Not that I ever saw. He didn’t really have anything to give away. He only travelled with a single suitcase. Anything he needed for sermons and such we carried with us. He only kept a few outfits, maybe two pairs of shoes, a towel. Essentials, really.

Leo

And left you and the rest of his followers carrying all the other essentials, I assume. how very generous.

Penelope

(ANGRILY) We were happy to help. Nathaniel was doing incredibly important work and it was an honour just to-

Leo

Sorry, I get it, I do. I didn’t mean to get snarky about it.

Penelope

No, you don’t get it. Nobody ever did. Nathaniel helped people. Not everyone was receptive to that help, but I was. I needed that help. I was alone. I had no family, no friends. Nathaniel offered me a family, a community, and a cause. A reason to live. That’s important. The work he did was important.

Leo

I mean, yeah. I’m not trying to belittle your experience, I’m glad you found comfort in his work. But you’re the only person I’ve met with anything good to say about him. So if we’re weighing up his net benefit on the world…

Penelope

You clearly have your issues with his methods. But think about this – the money he gave away, who benefitted from that? The same people with, I’m sure, not a single positive word to say about him. They benefitted, whether they liked him or not. He didn’t care that they hated him, he just wanted to help them. You’re right, he was persistent. But for good reason. He saved people.

Leo

No, I can’t argue with… well, with some of that. The money definitely helped people. I’m sorry though, I just- I don’t have time to debate this, I really need to find out about these items-

Penelope

Why are you helping him?

Leo

What?

Penelope

You said you want to help him. You obviously don’t like him. So why?

Leo

(BEAT) Put it this way. Did Nathaniel like all the so-called sinners he tried to help?

Penelope

Yes. He loved them all.

Leo

Right. Well, okay, I maybe can’t go that far. But I think every spirit deserves help. Even if I don’t agree with their views. H-he deserves to find peace.

Penelope

(LONG PAUSE) What more do you need to know?

Leo

There are a couple of items I’ve been told about, an old jumper and a stuffed rabbit, which might have had some emotional significance. Did you ever see him with either of those?

Penelope

Not especially. Most of his clothes were old, he patched them up when he could, rather than throw them out. So old jumpers… maybe? though none that stand above the rest. And certainly no stuffed rabbits. Though ours was a strictly professional relationship, it’s possible there were parts of his personal life that he was keeping even from me.

Leo

Alright, that’s- that’s all then, I guess. Thanks for your help Penelope.

[SFX: Begins opening stasis capsule]

Penelope

Wait-

Leo

(IMPATIENTLY) What?

Penelope

Wow. Ok. I was only going to ask if I could speak to him. Before he passes on.

Leo

Sorry, I- no. I’m sorry. It’s complicated. He’s not himself right now. That’s why we’re trying to do this urgently.

Penelope

Oh. That’s… Okay, please give him my love, then?

Leo

Yeah. I’ll do that.

Penelope

Are you going to help me pass on too?

Leo

Soon. Not just yet, but soon.

[SFX: Stasis capsule opens, Penelope is returned]

Leo

(SIGH) I’m not sure I like how easy it’s become to lie, recently.

[SFX: Recording ends]

[SFX: New scene fades in, footsteps, door opens, Riley’s music playing softly in background]

[SFX: Leo sits on the bed stroppily]

Riley

Wow, you’re looking awful miserable for someone who doesn’t have a homocidally insane man living inside their body.

Leo

Yeah, well, your homicidally insane man and his mates are all driving me up the wall.

Riley

No luck on the memento?

Leo

Not unless you count a bunch of dead ends as lucky.

Riley

All depends on perspective, doesn’t it?

Leo

What perspective makes this look good?

Riley

Oh, none of them, just that the outlook might seem shit in a slightly different way, which is novel, and thus exciting.

Leo

(SMALL LAUGH) How are you holding up?

Riley

Oh, you know. Still possessed. Still tired as balls. Same old. I have been looking some stuff up for you though. I have the address of the childhood home, and the number of the current owners, in case you need to check there. And I found Ben Thatcher’s husband, he’s still alive. About ninety-something, but alive. And he still lives in the house he shared with Ben. So if that suitcase is still in the attic, then it can’t hurt to check. Even if it’s only clothes, if it’s basically all he ever owned, then it has to be better than nothing.

Leo

Yeah, better than nothing. I don’t exactly like the idea of hedging our bets on your life with just, better than nothing, but it’s-

Riley

Better than nothing.

Leo

Yeah… (BEAT) Where does Carl Thatcher live?

Riley

Stevenage.

Leo

Alright. I’ll give him a call on the train there.

Riley

That’s the spirit.

Leo

(GROANS)

[SFX: Scene and music fade out]

[SFX: Recording Begins]

Leo

Alright, so, for the record, I’m currently in Carl Thatcher’s attic. Good job I’m not especially scared of spiders. I am a little scared of falling through the ceiling though. Not sure this space gets a ton of use. Carl is… not really with it any more. His at-home carer let me in.

Apparently, he talks about Ben a lot, so when I said I was an old friend of Ben’s family, looking for something to remember him by, she told me I was welcome to look around. I think I’ve found the suitcase though. Penelope wasn’t lying when she said he travelled light, this is more of a briefcase than anything.

[SFX: Unlatching and opening the suitcase]

Leo

Right, yeah. Clothes. Some underwear. Two pairs of shoes.

[SFX: Rummaging]

Leo

That’s literally it. Right. Well, there’s a couple of jumpers here. Both look like they’re old and well-worn, both covered in (BEAT, THEN SLIGHTLY DISTRACTED) totally mis-matched patches… hold on…

[SFX: Clothes rustling as Leo inspects them]

Okay, uh, I have a thought but… problem is, I have no idea what I’m looking for. Stupid oversight on my part. Hang on.

[SFX: Typing on phone, outbound ringing]

Frank

Frank Williamson.

Leo

Answer the phone like a normal person, Frank.

Frank

Respond to my greeting appropriately, Leonardo.

Leo

Are you in the labs?

Frank

Yes, I have just spoken with Mx. Matkins, checking in on how everything’s moving along.

Leo

Okay, great, could you do me a huge favour? Ben Thatcher’s stasis capsule should still be in lab five, with the tether. Could you speak to him for me? I only spoke to him yesterday, so he won’t have long before he starts to drift, but I just need him to describe the jumper for me.

Frank

The jumper?

Leo

His dad’s jumper, the one Nathaniel apparently carried about with him as a kid. In as much detail as you can get, please.

Frank

Alright. Shall I call you back when I’m done?

Leo

Yes, please. I’m just… I’ll wait here.

[SFX: Call ends]

Leo

Alright. So, for the audio diary, I guess I’ll just run through what I’ve got in front of me. And my theory. So there are two items of clothing here that could be described as jumpers. One is more of a sweatshirt type deal, loads of little patches on this one, mostly in places you’d expect to see any kind of wear and tear, the elbows, the cuffs, under the arms. He’s made some kind of effort to make them match, but not a lot. I don’t think this is the jumper Ben mentioned, though. This whole thing screams utility, not sentiment.

The other, though, is a knitted jumper. Seems mostly in good nick, actually. Looks relatively new, at least compared to the other one. So, it’s unlikely that this one was his dad’s either. But, and here’s my theory, and dear god I hope I’m right – there’s a patch right in the middle, also knitted. And it’s not anywhere you’d expect to need a patch. It’s covering a huge section of the torso.

My hope is that the patch was from his dad’s jumper. Nathaniel travelled light, he didn’t own too many clothes, so I suspect that if he carried his dad’s jumper around with him as an adult, he’d make use of it by wearing it. But, if that jumper became unwearable, he might not have the same utilitarian attitude that he did with the sweatshirt. When something has sentimental value, it’s hard to patch it up until it’s unrecognisable. So, I’m hoping that this patch was his attempt at keeping a part of his dad’s jumper with him even when the jumper itself became unwearable. It’s a long sho-

[SFX: Phone ringing]

Leo

Frank! Hi, that was fast.

Frank

Yes, well, you mentioned Mr. Thatcher would not have long. I did not want to cause him any undue discomfort.

Leo

That’s… very considerate of you. What did he say?

Frank

You are looking for a knitted jumper. Forest green, tight-knit with… what Mr. Thatcher could only describe as a sort of criss-cross pattern. And-

Leo

Dark blue thread running through the green?

Frank

Yes, precisely.

Leo

YES!

[SFX: Small thunk]

Leo

Ow. That’s it, Frank! I’ve got it!

Frank

Fantastic, Leonardo! We should be set in time for the full moon.

Leo

Amazing, ok, thanks so much Frank, I’ll see you back in the labs in a couple of hours, yeah?

Frank

Yes, Leonardo, see you soon.

[SFX: Leo scrambles up laughing, another small thump]

Leo

(STILL LAUGHING) Ow.

[SFX: Frantic footsteps down the ladder, and then the stairs, TV playing faintly]

Leo

Hi, hi, Jodie?

Jodie

Hi, find what you needed?

Leo

Yes, actually. Yes, this- this jumper, it belonged to Mr. Thatcher’s dad. The late Mr. Thatcher’s dad, I mean. This is- it’s really important to me. Do you mind- do you think Mr. Thatcher would mind if I- I mean, it didn’t even technically belong to him, it was actually his husband’s brother’s, uh but when Nathaniel died, it went to Ben with the rest of his stuff.

Jodie

Sorry, I’m not following. Are you asking if you can take it?

Leo

Yes. Sorry. Yeah, that would be amazing.

Jodie

You probably shouldn’t. Not until Carl is feeling a little more lucid, at least. We can’t ask permission right now, and it’s- oh, I’m sorry, you look like I’ve just kicked a puppy. I’m really sorry. He does have his good days, I’ll be sure to ask him next time I’m able to, and then I’ll give you a call, how does that sound?

Leo

Right. Yeah, no I get it. That sounds… (PAUSE) Oh I’m really sorry about this but-

[SFX: Scramble as the door is pulled open and Leo PELTS it out]

Jodie

Excuse me! You can’t just-!

Leo

(FROM A DISTANCE) Sorry!

[SFX: Scene fades out, hurried footsteps as new scene fades in]

Leo

Hi! Hi, I got it! Is Riley-

Frank

Yes, both Mx. Matkins and Ms. Wilde are in the bedroom.

Leo

Great, come with, let’s figure this all out.

[SFX: Footsteps, door opening]

Leo

I got the- Oh, sorry.

Julia

No no, it’s alright, Patrick. Go on?

[SFX: Footsteps, then Leo sits down beside Riley]

Leo

(WHISPERED) This is the solicitor?

Riley

(WHISPERED) Yup, just called with an update.

Julia

And that’s… Good news? (LONG PAUSE) Oh, I see. Right. Woah, that’s ambitious. (BEAT) No, I couldn’t agree more, let’s fucking go for it.

Alright, thank you for keeping us updated, Patrick. I’m sorry we’ve been a bit busy recently, but everything should clear up in about a week or so, I’ll let Louisa know when we’re free and we’d all love to take you for coffee or something to chat more about it? (BEAT) Perfect, yeah sure, you can pass the phone back yeah, speak soon Patrick! (BEAT, THEN MORE WARMLY) Hi, Lou. Yeah, it’s great news.

Leo

(WHISPERED) … Sorry… Lou??

Riley

(WHISPERED) Did I or did I not warn you?

Julia

(A LITTLE HUSHED, WALKING FURTHER AWAY) Yeah, sushi sounds perfect, at yours? (BEAT) Alright, then yeah let’s go to that one place down the road. Yeah, see you in a bit Lou. Bye. (NORMAL VOLUME) Alright, so that was Patrick.

Riley

And Louisa?

Julia

Well, yeah, but she’s with Patrick right now, so she put him on to give us an update.

Leo

How’s it going? With the case I mean?

Julia

So they’ve made an official petition for Arthur to become the registered owner of the club, since he’s been a resident for over ten years. Part of the whole squatter’s rights thing. Except the new buyer has outright denied it.

Riley

Right. So that’s bad.

Julia

Apparently not. Apparently, Arthur has solid grounds to counter the objection. So Patrick’s going to help with that, knowing full well the land registry will deem it invalid.

But Patrick says it’s good, because that’s what he’s going to build the case around. They have to attempt more mediation with the land registry, but when that fails, which he reckons it will, he’s going to argue that it was discriminatory to reject Arthur’s application on no other grounds than that he’s a ghost.

Frank

An admirably bold strategy.

Riley

Yeah, Jules, you maybe shouldn’t have said all of that in front of, y’know… Frank.

Julia

What’s Frank going to do, try and stop us? I’d like to see you try.

Frank

I did not say I would try to stop you. I am curious how hopeful you are that the case itself will come to anything?

Julia

Maybe it won’t, but that’s not even the point. It puts a message out, doesn’t it? Gets people talking. A judicial case about the human rights of a ghost. That starts something you can’t take back.

Frank

Indeed.

Leo

And how’s… uh, how’s Louisa?

Julia

(A LITTLE AWKWARD) Oh, she’s good. Yeah, she’s… Why are you holding a ratty old jumper?

Leo

Oh. I stole this from a senile old man.

Riley

Yeah. Yeah, yeah fuck old people!

Frank

They are neglecting to mention that it is the memento we require for Nathaniel Gilbert’s ritual.

Leo

Yeah, that too. Or at least, this part is. Hopefully that’ll be enough.

Riley

Shit. Is that everything then?

Frank

Almost. The venom and anti-venom have been expedited, it should arrive in a few days.

Riley

Cutting it a bit close, aren’t we?

Frank

Not nearly as close as it perhaps should have been, considering my means of acquiring and importing a highly deadly venom were not exactly legal.

Riley

Yeah, fair enough. So what do we do now then?

Leo

We wait, I suppose. Prepare as much as we can. But otherwise, we just. Keep an eye on the moon and pray this works.

Closing theme begins

Leon:

This episode of Tell No Tales was written and produced by Leon Egan. In it, you heard the voices of Leon Egan as Leo, Phil Thompson as Riley, Asher Amor-Train as Frank, Shannon Kelly as Julia, Tal Minear as Penelope Smith, and Cris Caserini as Jodie the Carer. If you enjoyed this episode, we’d love it if you let someone know. Leave a review, tell a friend, or reach out to us on social media. You can find us on or Tumblr or Bluesky @tellnotalespod and as always, links and information about transcripts can be found in the show notes. Tell No Tales is distributed by Wasting Company Time Productions, under a Creative Commons attribution non-commercial share-alike 4.0 international license. Thank you for listening, and remember: the dead don’t bite.

Closing theme ends

Leon (bloopers):

Credits… I’ve forgotten what my credits say….

Tell No Tales is distributed by Wasting Company Time Productions, under a Creative Commons attribution non-commercial share-alike 4.0 international (BREAKS UP LAUGHING) license. (STILL LAUGHING) Fuck!… I… You know how many takes that took me back in like 2022 when I was first recording this. And I have not re-recorded those credits since. And I was so close! I was so close to getting it in one take, and then I realised that and ruined it. (LAUGHING) Let’s give it another go…

Thank you for listening, and remember, the dead don’t bite… (VOICE CRACKING IN MULTIPLE PLACES) tHatLl dO DonKeeEyY