Opening theme begins

Leanne:

Hi everyone. Since there’s been a bit of a delay to season 2, I thought it was only fair that I offer a little something to refresh everyone’s memories on the events of season one. This recap episode is going to speed-run the main plot points of season one using a combination of clips from the original episodes and an extremely cheesy voiceover that I apologize in advance for. And if you like extremely cheesy voiceovers then… enjoy!

Opening theme ends

[SFX: Recording begins]

Leo:

Audio diary of Leo Quinn, Assistant to Frank Williamson, director of Better Place.

[Music: Vivaldi’s ‘Autumn’ begins]

Leanne (voice-over):

That’s Leo. They work for Better Place, the world leader in ghost removal. But they’re not exactly employee of the month right now.

Leo:

(EXCITEDLY) I’ve been working on something. Something really, really cool. If all goes well, it should be able to pick up the voices of ghosts. If I can gather statements from the spirits directly, then I can use it to stop what we do. To train the recorder to recognise a ghost’s voice, I need to gather a tonne of data on how the EMF reacts when ghosts are actually speaking.

Leanne (voice-over):

So, I guess it’s time to visit some spirits.

Leo:

(OVERLAPPING) Case BL#1923… Case RM#2223… Case NA#1704… category three, case status… category three… category two… unconfirmed… case status, unresolved… Dear Better place customer service department… To whom it may concern… I believe they’re living with a poltergeist… There’s a ghost living in my house.

Leanne (voice-over):

It all seems to be going pretty well. That is until the criminally beautiful Julia arrives on the scene.

Leo:

It is definitely illegal to be that pretty. And she kept offering me drinks. I’m not gonna say no, am I? Like, oh, sorry, most beautiful woman I’ve ever met. I’m actually something of a lightweight, so please, no more strawberry daiquiris. It’s almost enough to make me forget that she’s a dispatcher. Ugh, a hot ghost cop. That’s just the worst!

Leanne (voice-over):

But Leo’s not going to let that distract them, are they?

Leo:

Ugh, no. Come on. Pretty girls and strawberry daiquiris will not be my downfall.

Leanne (voice-over):

Nah, see, they’re fine. They’re even digging a little deeper into Mortui Non Morden, the grand old organisation that became Better Place, and the ghost of Montgomery Whitley, a previous director. Seems like he has something big to tell them.

[Music: ‘Autumn’ fades out, ominous atmospheric music (‘They Are Here’ by Duke Herrington) fades in]

Leo:

You’ve been a Category 1 for nearly a century. And you choose now to progress to a Category 2, so that you can make the empty plots bleed. Why? Here’s how we’re going to do this. You can’t communicate much of anything right now, not anything of any real meaning at least. So, I’ll be back as soon as I can, okay? Just try not to do anything too unhinged that’ll get them to call Better Place back out here and get you removed in the meantime, okay?

Leanne (voice-over):

Great. Leo seems pretty good at what they do. They’re surely not about to go and make any impulse decisions with horrifying and lasting effects as a result of working alone without anyone to talk any sense into them, right? Right?

Leo:

I kinda hounded Riley for a case, and eventually they passed along this one. They were very adamant that I do not go and actually seek this one out. I mean, the guy was fine, physically. The category three held him up by his throat, but the rest was all illusion. A manifestation of, apparently, of the spirit’s own murder. I really, really think one more Category 3 is all I need to get this recorder working. I’ll be fine. Really. I will.

[SFX: Recording begins]

(SOBBING) I never really expected to live to know how it feels when skin and, and organs just, just give way, like- oh god.

[SFX: Knocking, then door opening]

Riley:

So I was thinking, Leo?

Leo:

Hi.

Leanne (voice-over):

So, I mean, at least they’re not on their own anymore.

Riley:

I’m on board. What can I do to help?

Leanne (voice-over):

And, hey, Leo might not be doing a great job of working through their trauma, but at least work’s going well. With the recorder working, their first interview is with Stephen Pritchard, the Category 3 who stayed behind for his partner Arthur.

Stephen:

My name is Stephen Pritchard. I believe my soul was tethered to this home because Arthur remained here after I died. He lived alone for another 30 years, or not alone. He was never alone. I think he knew. In my afterlife, Kara and Lynn were the ones who brought happiness back to me. Everyone deserves the chance to live long enough to see the other side. If you’ll forgive the pun.

Leanne (voice-over):

And now, finally, they’re on a roll.

(OVERLAPPING)

Mickey:

…My name is Mickey Hart…

Jackie:

…My name is Jackie Williams…

Edna:

…Oh, I’m just Edna…

Mickey:

…I died in 2005…

Jackie:

…Oh, I died in 2012 when Abigail was seven…

Mickey:

…Gas explosion…

Jackie:

…Car crash…

Mickey:

…Wasn’t pretty.

I used to come here all the time…

Jackie:

…My daughter…

Edna:

…It was my best friends…

Jackie:

…She was everything to me in life…

Edna:

…The loves of my life…

Mickey:

…Back in my happy place…

Jackie:

…It’s unsurprising that my afterlife kept me connected to her in some way…

Edna:

…If you’re asking me if I’d like to die for good…

Mickey:

…I consider myself to be a peaceful person…

Jackie:

…I don’t think I want to spend eternity haunting a swimming pool…

Mickey:

…And I’ve never tried to use this connection I have with the parakeets for anything other than good…

Edna:

…Then I’d tell Better Place, as Peggy would say, to stick that offer so far up their arsehole, they could snorkel with it…

Jackie:

…But I don’t think I’m ready to let go yet…

Mickey:

…With that in mind, if Better Place ever tried to end my afterlife?..

Jackie:

…I want to see her grow up for as long as I can…

Edna:

…I’m happy here…

Mickey:

…I’d probably be able to figure out a way to sic a squalling green army onto them…

Jackie:

…It’s better than the alternative. Better than never seeing her again…

Leanne (voice-over):

And Leo’s personal life seems to be taking a turn for the better too. Remember Julia, of the criminally beautiful variety? Looks like she’s asked them on a date.

Leo:

Audio diary of Leo Quinn…

Riley:

Leo. Quinn! What new plane of idiocy have you transcended to today?

Leo:

I think I’m being quite sensible actually, I’m-

Riley:

A girl you’ve been pining over for like three months has finally asked you on a date, and you think deciding not to go is sensible, in what universe?!

Leo:

Ugh, it’s gonna sound so paranoid, but I think… she’s maybe… investigating me or something?

Leanne (voice-over):

Okay, well, maybe things aren’t looking up on that front, but at least now that the record is working, Leo can finally find out what Montgomery Whitley wanted to tell him, right?

Leo:

How is this even possible? He’s not here. How is he not here? He’s a ghost. How far could he have even gone?

Riley:

He must have been removed. There’s no other way for a ghost to just disappear like that.

Leanne (voice-over):

Fine. So, not great on that front either. At least it can’t get worse.

Leo:

I’m just saying, sometimes, sometimes, trust issues are a good thing. Julia took out equipment for a solo mission, out of hours, last week, using Frank Williamson’s very own unique code. How did Frank know to remove Mr. Whitley just as I was about to interview him? And what about Julia? If she’s doing Frank’s dirty work, does that mean she’s working with him?

Leanne (voice-over):

Guess it got worse. Here’s hoping she’s got a solid explanation.

Julia:

So, just to be clear, I didn’t start out to be, uh, what did you call me? A ghost cop? Gross. I’ve been working on my PhD. Better Place is pretty guarded with this information, so I thought, I’d get inside, start my research there. And I noticed they were always really vague and euphemistic whenever they mentioned what actually happens to the spirits once we remove them, so I asked. But they were so cagey about it. And every time I asked, they got more hostile.

After a while, I got Frank’s attention. When he asked me to do the job for him in the cemetery, I panicked. Asked if I could think about it. He gave me until the end of the day, then went back to his office. I followed. I didn’t have to wait long. He went right into his office with him, leaving your desk free for me to find the audio files.

Leo:

Ugh.

Julia:

I don’t get why you’re so embarrassed. All it did was prove to me that you’re one of the good ones. I wanted to side with you, but I still couldn’t say no to Frank, could I? And I thought, maybe, that there was an opportunity there. It was the middle of the night, the warehouse would be empty, maybe I’d be able to stash him some of you to question later. But Frank was there waiting for me when I arrived. I just had to hand him over. But I promise, it wasn’t something I intended to do. You have to believe that. I want to help you.

Leanne (voice-over):

Yeah, that seems solid enough for me actually. So, what’s next?

Julia:

Alright, straight down to business. I can respect that. There’s nothing to find. Nothing about what happens after the spirits are stored in the warehouse. Not in writing, not on company policy. Not in employee contracts, not anywhere. I only know what I know because I saw it.

There were more spirits. Stored in their stasis capsules. Like thousands and thousands of them. There’s no way we’re processing that many spirits perfectly enough to justify them all just sitting there.

Riley:

So he’s storing them. Indefinitely. Why though?

Leo:

I’m feeling more and more certain that this has something to do with what Mr. Whitley was trying to tell us.

Riley:

I can look back into the early Better Place practices. Maybe see if something changed at some point. And when. It might give us some insight.

Leanne (voice-over):

Okay. Sounds like a plan. Except Things are getting a bit weird, it seems.

Leo:

A Mary Barker in 1858…

Mary:

So far apart, but getting closer. Becoming… stronger? Becoming me again. But it went away. The hold I had. It slipped. I slipped. Not coming together anymore. Falling apart. Falling away. Nothing to draw on.

Leo:

If she’s describing the process of coming together, of becoming stronger, becoming a category two, then what was all of that about the hold slipping? I have never heard of that happening.

Leanne (voice-over):

Weird on multiple fronts, actually.

Riley:

See this article? Better Place is a London based company which was once a small operation but seems to have plans for world domination, spearheaded by their new director, Edward Whitley. Pictured above.

Julia:

That can’t be…

Riley:

No, it can’t. But it’s uncanny, right?

Leo:

Yeah, that looks like Frank.

Julia:

He looks the same age there. If he was roughly in his forties then, that’d make him, like…

Riley:

Old as balls, yeah.

Leanne (voice-over):

I genuinely have no idea how the gang’s going to get answers about any of this.

Julia:

We need to break into the back room of the warehouse.

Leanne (voice-over):

That works, I suppose.

Riley:

Okay, let’s see what’s in the creepy fucking basement, shall we?

Leo:

Hey, uh, you guys finding anything interesting? I’ve mostly just got case files.

Julia:

(ON WALKIE) A lot of tools and things down here. Like he’s building stuff? Techie stuff.

Riley:

(ON WALKIE) So there’s an appalling number of, uh, looks like labs. Every single one of them has had a spirit in.

Julia:

What the fuck is that?

Leo:

What are you doing in this lab? What does Frank have to do with this?

[SFX: Echoey growl, with slime sounds and ghostly screeching]

Julia:

Way to piss it off, Leo!

[SFX: Gunshot]

Riley:

(YELPS IN PAIN)

Leo:

Riley!

Riley:

I’m okay, it’s Shooting it did something. And I think it broke part of it off. It just grazed me on the way out, I think.

Leo:

Riley, I think I can keep its attention long enough for you to run. And then shoot it and run myself. Okay. Run.

Riley and Julia:

Leo!

Leo:

Keep running. I closed the door, but…

Julia:

got it!

Riley:

Big fan of the running.

Leanne (voice-over):

Oh, thank god they survived. Maybe everything’s gonna be fine.

Leo:

Crap, Riley, you got hurt! Can I see?

Riley:

It’s just my shoulder. It can’t be that bad, right?

Leo:

We should still get it patched up.

Frank:

Yes, that would be wise.

Leo:

Jesus-

Julia:

(OVERLAPPING) fucking hell.

Leo:

You don’t get to act all calm and collected right now when we’ve just seen whatever the hell it is you’ve been doing down there. The giant slime monster that felt like a spirit, but couldn’t have possibly been a spirit, could it? Could it? Because spirits aren’t ever visible, and they don’t… produce… ectoplasm or scream while you tear them apart, right?

Frank:

Why don’t you three go back to the office for a while? There is a fairly comprehensive first aid kit in my office. Take a moment, regroup while I deal with whatever carnage you’ve left behind downstairs. Once I’m done here, I’ll answer your questions.

Leo:

Riley? Riley, are you-

[SFX: Sounds of Riley slumping, and Leo ad Julia catching them]

Julia:

Whoa, whoa, we’ve got you, buddy. You’re okay.

Leo:

(TERRIFIED) Julia?

Julia:

Okay. Okay, yeah, let’s get them back to the office, get them bandaged up, and if we need to we can stick around long enough to hear Frank explain what it was that hurt them, and how to help them.

Leanne (voice-over):

Right, well, while Frank’s dealing with whatever’s left behind in the warehouse, surely everything’s going to calm down a bit from here, right? It can’t possibly get weirder, can it?

Leo:

Horrifying might be more accurate.

Riley:

More horrors, that’s what we need. Do press play, Leo. Let’s hear these lovely horrors.

Several overlapping ghostly voices:

We’re an abomination. We should never have looked like this. I don’t know where I end and the others begin. It aches. This hole, this bind. Like skin stretched taut over a skeleton too big. Two wrong.

Riley:

Er, sorry, but what the fuck?

Julia:

The spirits, they’re, what, amalgamated in some way, and that somehow makes them visible? Which is groundbreaking in itself.

Leo:

I think you should hear the rest before you get too excited.

Several overlapping ghostly voices:

Frank. Frank Williamson. The thing that calls himself Frank? What do you see? A man? Maybe, once. An abomination, just like us. A prettier abomination, more controlled, but a disgusting patchwork monster just like the one that turned us into.

Riley:

Shit, Frank’s a ghost.

Julia:

Frank might actually be a ghost.

Leanne (voice-over):

But no, that can’t be true.

Leo:

He’s alive. He has a heartbeat. He asks me how my day is and he intimidates people with eye contact and he, he held me. About six years ago, right here at this desk, when I got the call that my brother had died, he held me. Ghosts can’t do those things. He’s alive.

Leanne (voice-over):

Oh. You didn’t know about Leo’s brother? That kind of makes sense. They’ve been repressing it pretty hard. Except, Leo’s really bad at repressing stuff, so mostly they’ve just been letting it slip from the start.

Leo:

It’s the prayer to Saint Joseph. Mum got really into praying to him directly during the last few… when Noah started getting really bad. Saint Joseph, patron of departed souls, pray for him. I wonder what Noah would think of this whole thing.

Leanne (voice-over):

So, if Frank was able to hold Leo when Noah died, maybe Frank’s not a ghost.

Frank:

As heartwarming as it is to hear you defend me so voraciously, Leonardo, unfortunately, your friends are in the right here. My name was Richard Whitley, the youngest son of Montgomery and Marianne Whitley. I was born on the 13th of November, 1903.

Leo:

Back at the warehouse, you told me you weren’t done with me. Something about us being valuable to each other. What could I possibly have to offer you?

Frank:

You have plenty to offer. I am exceptionally bright. What need could I ever have of your help if you were anything less than exceptionally bright yourself?

Leo:

Which you still haven’t explained!-

Frank:

(OVERLAPPING) The spirit plane is crumbling, Leonardo. Does that pique your interest?

Leanne (voice-over):

At least Frank’s willing to take Leo aside and give them some answers. Maybe everything will wrap up nicely and there won’t be a single unexplained problem, and season two is actually completely unnecessary?

Frank:

My father was the director of Mortui Non Morden until 1936. I’m not too proud to say I was a little lonely, perhaps. But it was that loneliness that allowed me to pursue my own interests. Science, Leonardo. Experiments and trials that so few had either the time or the funding to bother with. And I was doing so much good, not just for the purposes of my father’s company, but for the whole scientific community.

But I’d been raised with the blood of Mortuinon Morden running through my veins. And I think a small part of me had hoped, somehow, that my scientific accomplishments might supersede age when it came to deciding which son would next inherit the title of Director. I was, of course, wrong. So, I began to put my attention towards scientific endeavors that were perhaps less noble, but certainly more revolutionary than anything I had tried before.

Within a decade, I’d solved it. A permanent solution to the mortality problem. It seemed contradictory, but to put an end to my mortality, I would need to take my own life. In a controlled environment, of course. And with Edgar there to help, I believe the process was all the more effective for our shared genetics.

Leo:

You, you used your brother? To become…

Frank:

Yes, him along with several other nameless spirits. I do not feel ashamed. They live on too, in a sense, through me.

Leo:

So, when you said, back there, that you consume the spirits, is that part of… oh, of course! Like with the amalgamation in the warehouse, the fusing together of the spirits, concentrating them, it’s what makes you able to function like a living person! It’s It’s what makes you more than just a ghost.

Frank:

Precisely, Leonardo. Precisely. After Edgar went missing, his adult son, calling himself Edward Whitley, arrived to oversee the investigation. Then, when he was presumed dead, to claim his inheritance. Any doubts of the lineage were quickly dispelled by the unmistakable resemblance between myself and the man I claimed was my father.

Leo:

So you just step into the role of the marvelous Mr. Corporate Casper then? And, after a while, the company got so big you had more than you could possibly eat, so you carried on with your twisted little experiments just to pass the time, because, after all, you’ve got Eternity and nothing to fill it with. Is that it?

Frank:

Surprisingly close. My reasons, though You have misinterpreted. My experiments in recent years have become vital. I’ve already informed you of the stakes.

Leo:

So, we’re finally getting to the juicy bit about the whole spirit plane apparently crumbling. Want to expand on that?

Frank:

Overpopulation, Leonardo. Better Place removes thousands of spirits annually, and it’s growing every year. The spirit world is bursting at the seams.

Leo:

Because you store them all! Why not just get rid of them?

Frank:

It isn’t that simple, and it’s why I need your help. Sign a new contract. You’ll be my lead scientist. Finally working in a role you’ve always dreamed about.

Leo:

I… no. No, why would I do that?… You’re a monster!

Frank:

Maybe so, but what I’m asking you to do is not selfish. I’m asking you to work with me, to save the spirit plane. Though, if you’d prefer, I can help to make your reason selfish.

Leo:

What do you-

Frank:

Stephen Pritchard, his family in Islington. If the spirit plane collapses, Oh, how Kara and Lynn…

Leo:

(OVERLAPPING) How dare you…

Frank:

(OVERLAPPING) Edna Miller, in her cat sanctuary up in Watford…

Frank:

(OVERLAPPING) Lillian Daniels. Dear to not just a few people, but a whole parish…

Leo:

(OVERLAPPING) Okay, stop it, please-

Frank:

Noah Quinn. Sweet, sweet Noah Quinn. Too good, too young. You never wanted this for him, did you? You wanted him to stay. But your mother, your dear mother, couldn’t handle it. After all of those prayers to St. Joseph, your brother’s soul had not been guided to an afterlife, but was stuck in his childhood bedroom. You asked me to help only as a favor to her, and you hated yourself for it. I suspect it’s the real reason you started this little project of yours. Not so selfless after all. I’ve kept him safe all these months. I could hand him over, if you agreed.

Leo:

What would the contract entail?

Frank:

It would dictate an amendment to your original employment terms, job description, salary, the like. It would give you access to my labs. You barely touched the surface down there, Leonardo

Leo:

And the catch?

Frank:

well, the catch of course is that the contract comes with a non-disclosure agreement, a fairly rigorous one at that.

Leo:

My audio diaries-

Frank:

(OVERLAPPING) are included in that, yes. Any plans to “take down Better Place” would be in the past. Mx. Matkins and Ms. Wilde will of course be offered similar contracts, meaning you would still be able to disclose-

Leo:

(OVERLAPPING) No.

Frank:

I beg your pardon?

Leo:

No. Don’t offer them the contract and don’t tell them anything about this.

Frank:

You’re ashamed? Ashamed to be giving up your principles? Very well. Though, you do understand that if they’re not on your team, then you’ll be unable to discuss any aspect of your work with them, as per the non disclosure-

Leo:

(OVERLAPPING) and Noah?

Frank:

(SIGHS) Your brother’s stasis capsule will be given to you, if you agree. You’ll need to find a way to ensure his spirit stays stable outside of his tether if you’d like to release him from the capsule, but you’ll be free to research this alongside your work.

Leo:

You’ve got more information about the problem with the spirit plane. You’ll actually be upfront about it?

Frank:

Of course! You’ll have access to all of my resources. That means my knowledge, too. But this isn’t something I’d feel comfortable discussing until-

Leo:

I’ll do it.

Closing theme begins

Frank:

Good. And you’re certain about your friends?

Leo:

Yes. I couldn’t face them and admit that I’m throwing away everything we… yes, I’m certain.

Frank:

Very well, let’s get started then.

Leanne (voice-over):

Great, sure. Sounds good. So, Leo’s working with Frank now, without involving Riley and Julia. What could go wrong?

Leanne:

Tell No Tales Season 2 begins the 8th of January 2024. Tune in to find out what happens next, and remember, the dead don’t bite.

Closing theme ends