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Leanne:

Wasting Company Time presents Tell No Tales, Episode Eleven: A Dozen or so Cats

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[SFX: Recording Begins, mouse clicks and classical music begins playing]

Leo:

Audio diary of Leo Quinn…

[SFX: Door Opening]

Riley:

(OVERLAPPING) …Leo. Quinn. What new plane of idiocy have you transcended to today?

Leo:

I see you got my text

Riley:

You mean your idiot text that you typed with your little idiot hands controlled by your smooth smooth idiot brain? Yeah I got that one

[SFX: Office chair being rolled out and Riley sitting down]

Leo:

It’s not- I think I’m being quite sensible actually, I’ve-

Riley:

The girl you’ve been pining over for like, three months has finally asked you on a date and you think deciding not to go is sensible? In what universe?

Leo:

I haven’t been- I’m not- it’s not a date. She doesn’t like me like that, she just… I think she’s been trying to get something from me?

Riley:

Do you want me to offer some suggestions of what she’s been trying to get from you?

Leo:

NO! I- didn’t mean- not- I mean like, I think… She’s been weird, the last few times we spoke, I think she wants… information from me?

Riley:

Information? Like, oh, I don’t know, where you grew up? Your favourite colour? Or whether or not you’re a dessert person?

Leo:

No like, about Frank. About my job and what I’ve been working on.

Riley:

Oh so like, what you do for a living and what your hobbies are?

Leo:

No shut up, you know what I mean.

Riley:

I absolutely promise you I do not

Leo:

I think she’s… Ugh, it’s gonna sound so paranoid, but I think she’s maybe… investigating me or something? It explains why she’s been so interested in me…

Riley:

She LIKES you!

Leo:

AND ever since you mentioned I’ve been working on a project, she’s been relentless.

Riley:

She’s flirting! Teasing you about your mystery project, she probably thinks you’re flirting back by being coy about it.

Leo:

Or, she already has an idea of what it is and is trying to get more information to… (INCREASINGLY MUMBLY) dunno, tell Frank or something

Riley:

(LONG PAUSE, THEN LAUGHTER) You’re willing to believe that Julia, sweet, pretty, dorky Julia, is working for Frank, before you’d believe that she has a crush on you? Nope, Nuh-uh, give me your phone

[SFX: Sounds of a Scuffle]

Leo:

H-Hey! No! Stop! I’ll bite you…

Riley:

(VOICE CLOSER THAN BEFORE) Are you recording this?

Leo:

I was recording a diary entry, then this interrupted.

Riley:

(TONGUE PULLING NOISE. YOU KNOW THE ONE)

Leo:

Really, sticking your tongue out at me?

Riley:

I’ll leave you to your notes, but call her back, tell her you’re free. Don’t be a pussy!

Leo:

Don’t be a bitch!

[SFX: Door Closing]

Leo:

Ugh. Anyway. (READING THROUGH GRITTED TEETH) So, Case NA#1806, Category two (unconfirmed), Case status-Report received. Initial report made via email by a Miss Lacey Warner.

Hi, I hope this is the right email address. I’m a volunteer at Edna’s Cat Sanctuary in Watford, and I’m writing about a haunting at the sanctuary. I’m not sure I have the authority to initiate any action, but I don’t know what the long-term effects of a haunting are for the animals we take in, so it feels like I have a kind of duty to at least report it.

It started with the smallest thing, cats all staring at the same spot, turning suddenly spooked, hackles coming up out of nowhere, but we all dismissed it. That’s what cats do, right? Their whole thing, like a running joke that cats are always the first to see ghosts. It isn’t true, they just have much sharper senses than us, they see insects that we don’t, feel drafts, hear sounds, that kind of thing. But then, we started to feel it too. Like something would catch our eye but there’d be nothing there. Strange chills and shivers. A feeling like we were being watched, though that’s not unusual in a cat sanctuary. Then… it got weirder, the food bowls kept refilling themselves, toys started spinning and moving on their own, lights flickering whenever a cat would get angry or stressed.

I’ve been volunteering here since I was a teenager, but the older ladies who founded the place are really tight-lipped about it if anyone mentions it. They’re normally so chatty and lovely, but if anyone so much as draws attention to the self-feeding food bowls or any of the other bizarro stuff happening, they just turn ice cold. They’re devoted to the place, so I’m sure they’ve got the best interests of the sanctuary at heart, but I thought it best to just send in a report. You can reach out to them using the sanctuary’s number or email address I’ve pasted at the end of the email, just please don’t mention my name if you do. Let me know if you need any more info. Best, Lacey.

Urgh. Okay, so I can’t be too mad at Riley, since they’re the one who forwarded me this. It’s kind of perfect, sounds like it could be another Stephen-style scenario. Customer services reached out but were turned away by the two women who run the place. And pit’s erfect timing too. Frank’s AWOL again, with his schedule just blocked out for the afternoon with some vague workshop thing, so I’m gonna leave work a bit early, and I’m gonna approach these ‘older ladies’ with hopefully a bit more tact than I approached Lynne and Kara with. Here’s hoping we get a second statement by tomorrow. It’ll give me something to work on editing tonight while not calling Julia back. Ugh, okay, bye.

[SFX: Recording Ends]

[SFX: Recording Begins]

Leo:

I’m not sure I’ll ever be over this. Like, how many successful recordings before I stop thinking “this is so cool this is so cool this is so cool” the whole time I’m cleaning up the audio? Because I can tell you, it’s not two, that’s for sure. I don’t think it’ll be three, or four either. God, this is just so frickin’ cool.

[Ambience: Heartfelt atmospheric music fades in]

So, a little context first, I decided to call them before I made the trip out to Watford. I didn’t tell them I was from Better Place this time, though. I told them I was a PhD student, preparing a thesis on human rights law, and I was building an argument that spirits deserved to be protected under the Human Rights Act. Then I asked them, confident as anything, if there was a convenient time for me to come and communicate directly with the spirit residing in their property. Which, if I do say so myself, was smooth as hell of me. Like, I just said it with such confidence, the fact that they had a ghost wasn’t even in question, they didn’t even try to deny it, they only asked how I’d communicate with her.

So. “Her.” That was something. I told them about the recorder, and they invited me over that evening. When I got there, I was plied with tea and biscuits from Rita and Peggy right away, the two sweetest and most foul-mouthed little old ladies I have ever met. I swear, they dropped the f-bomb about as often as they said the words “love” and “sweetheart,” I’m obsessed with them. Anyway, they told be about their best friend, Edna, the sanctuary’s namesake, who died about ten years ago, when they were all in their mid-sixties. Rita and Peggy had husbands at the time, but Edna didn’t. Edna didn’t need a man, Edna had, oh, about a dozen or so cats. And counting. When she got sick, she’d been so worried about who would look after her cats, and Rita and Peggy said they would. But when Edna passed, their grief was enormous. They’d met in school. Best friends for almost fifty years. How do you move past that? So they wanted to honour her life by setting up a shelter, not just looking after her cats, but any cats who needed it. When her spirit manifested, it manifested here, and they knew it was her. The way she cared for the cats, they told me, it made sense that she’d stay to make sure they were being looked after.

They took me in to see the cats after that, and I felt her presence instantly, that chill down to my bones that ever since Whitechapel still makes my chest feel tight and my skin feel clammy and cold. But Rita squeezed my shoulder and told me they’d both like to stay, and I nodded, and I was able to take a deep breath, and then another, and then I took out the recorder and explained to Edna why I was there. She didn’t need much coaxing to get chatting. I’ll, uh, I’ll just play the recording.

Leo (on recording):

Okay, Edna, can you tell me a little bit about who you are?

Edna (on recording):

Oh, I’m just Edna. Edna Miller, born and bred here in Watford. A lady never reveals her age, but I’m sure those old gossips have already told you my date of birth. We met in secondary school, first day, eleven years old. We did everything together, they married their husbands within a month of each other. We all moved into the same street. They were godmothers to my cats, and I was godmother to all of their beautiful children. And the ugly ones (CHUCKLES). I liked Eastenders, and bingo, and don’t tell but a little bit of the wacky baccy to help with my arthritis. That’s about it for the basic biography.

Leo:

And can you tell me why you think your soul has stayed behind here in the sanctuary?

Edna:

Well why else? The loves of my life. They think it’s the cats, the daft bints. And I did love my cats, I’m so happy that they honoured me with this sanctuary, but it wasn’t the cats that kept me here. It was my best friends. They’re both widows now. My cats have them, but they only have each other. I never married, never needed anybody but my best friends and my cats, already had enough love in my life, but for them it’s more difficult to accept that kind of untraditional love without their husbands. When I came back, I was disoriented, apparently quite some time had passed between my death and when I became, let’s say, conscious enough to understand what was going on. But I saw them grieving not only me, but their husbands, and I wanted to help. So that’s what I do now. I feed the cats, play with them, because they dedicated this sanctuary for me, and I could ask for nothing better than to spend my afterlife playing with cats and making my best friends’ lives just a bit easier.

Leo:

And I hear Rita and Peggy have received contact from Better Place but turned them away. I’d like to know what your thoughts on Better Place’s business practices are?

Edna:

If you’re asking me if I’d like to die for good, then I’d tell Better Place, as Peggy would say, to stick that offer so far up their arsehole they could snorkel with it. I’m happy here. Happy with my friends, happy taking care of the cats. Why would I want to leave? Maybe once Peggy and Rita are gone, but even then, only if I could be sure I’d be following them wherever they go. I’ve had a glimpse of the afterlife, and it isn’t half bad. Maybe what’s waiting for me after this is oblivion, maybe it’s hell, maybe it’s heaven. But a one third chance at success doesn’t sound so good when I’m already living a nice cushy after-life as-is, thank you very much.

Leo:

Thanks, Edna. And just before I go, would you be happy with me sending this recording to Rita and Peggy? And if so, is there anything you’d like to tell them?

Edna:

Would I be happy? My dear, if you don’t send this recording to them I’ll consider it such a great personal offense that, well, I’m not so sure I can leave this sanctuary but to haunt you, my love, I’d bloody well give it a try. So, yes, please do. Rita, please stop with the sweets. I know your blood sugar is far too high and I’d like you to be around for a good long while. Peggy, I see you flirting with that young man who volunteers. He is younger than your son and you should be ashamed of yourself. And, I love you both. I’ve spent my entire life with you barmy old slags, and I’d spend an eternity with you too. Thank you for everything.

Leo (No longer on recording):

I think those three are my heroes. Like. My actual heroes. Who I want to be when I grow up. In all seriousness, I really admire Edna’s outlook on life. Edna didn’t die alone. She said it herself, she had so much love in her life. She didn’t need romantic love. God I wish that were me. Instead I’m here still pining over a girl who has actually asked me out because I don’t believe she asked for the right reasons. Christ, I’m an idiot aren’t I. Okay. Okay, yes. Fine. It can’t hurt. If nothing else, one little date will at least either confirm or deny my suspicions. And if I get to have drinks with a beautiful woman in the meantime then what’s the problem?

[SFX: Typing on phone, text being sent. Short pause, before an incoming text arrives. Leo sighs, then places the phone back down]

Right. It was that easy I guess. I’m going on a date with Julia tomorrow. Dinner and drinks. Uhhhh okay, not now, anxiety. Save it for the scary ghosts ok? Just going to not think about it until I have to. Right now, I’m gonna send that interview over to Rita and Peggy. And that’s all I’m gonna think about. And.. Maybe I’ll go see Riley. Admit defeat. And call them a barmy old slag. Think that could be a new pet name we share, don’t you?

[SFX: Recording Ends]

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Leanne:

Episode Eleven of Tell No Tales, A Dozen or So Cats, was written and performed by Leanne Egan. You also heard the voices of Phil Thompson as Riley, and Asher Amor-Train as Edna Miller. If you enjoyed this episode, the best way to support the show is to spread the word. Leaving us a rating and review in your listening app of choice is a huge help, or you can follow us on Twitter or Tumblr @tellnotalespod Links and information about transcripts can be found in the show notes.Tell No Tales is distributed by Wasting Company Time Productions, under a Creative Commons attribution non-commercial share-alike 4.0 international license. Thank you for listening, and remember: the dead don’t bite.

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