Opening theme begins

Leanne:

Wasting Company Time presents Tell No Tales, Episode Fourteen: Grave Consequences

Opening theme ends

[SFX: Recording Begins, Classical music playing]

Riley:

Audio diary of Leo Quinn and Riley Matkins, assistant to Frank Williamson, and team leader in the Research department of Better Place, respectively.

Leo:

Happy now?

Riley:

So happy 🙂

Leo:

(SARCASTICALLY) Wanna take the lead here?

Riley:

Nah, I’m good, keep going, I’m just along for the ride

Leo:

I still find it weird doing these notes in front of you.

Riley:

Well get used to it, pal, I’m in it now. Keep going, go on, off you go.

Leo:

Well, uh, there’s no case file to run through this time. Not a new one, at least. After work we’re going back to Highgate Cemetery to interview Montgomery Whitley.

Riley:

Which, I listened to the audio notes of the first time you went to see him, by the way. The man’s got something big to tell you.

Leo:

Exactly, I’m… I’m almost certain the recorder is going to be able to pick up his voice now, so—

Riley:

Oh yeah, now you’re certain

Leo:

I… Wait, what does that mean?

Riley:

It means, he was already a category two when you spoke to him last time. You already knew the recorder would work on a category two when you spoke to Edna Miller at the cat sanctuary. If you ask me—

Leo:

Which I didn’t.

Riley:

You literally just did when you said (MOCKINGLY) “what does that mean?” So, if you ask me, I’d say you got spooked. You had a feeling that whatever Mr. Whitley had to say was going to be important, and that scared the shit out of you, you didn’t want to get it wrong, or you didn’t know what you were going to have to do with that information, so you put it off. It’s okay, don’t look so defensive, it happens to the best of us.

Leo:

Alright, well, if we’re done with the therapy

Riley:

What therapy? If this was therapy I’d be getting paid right now

Leo:

Well it is still office-hours, so technically…

Riley:

Oh, ok, guess I’ll just go back to work then, shall I?

Leo:

I didn’t mean—

Riley:

No, no, there’s still half an hour left till home-time, you’ve probably got some boots to lick so I’ll just–

Leo:

(LAUGHING) Oh, I’m the bootlicker? Says the person who just broke the company record for most research cases completed last year.

Riley:

Hey! It is not my fault that I’m good at my job thank you very much

Leo:

Eh. At least one of us should be

Riley:

Are you talking about your official job or your unofficial job?

Leo:

Both. Y’know last time I recorded case notes I lost track of time, and when Frank came in I panicked and must have like, deleted the whole file or something, because it was gone when I got back. So definitely both.

Riley:

Frank’s not about to walk in now, is he?

Leo:

No, no he’s definitely already left for the day.

Riley:

Then why are we even still here? I’m a manager and your manager’s out, which means we can go get food before our… graveyard shift.

Leo:

Can you stop using my love of puns against me please?

Riley:

Never.

[SFX: Recording Ends]

[SFX: Recording Begins, quiet outdoor ambience, and food wrappers crinkling]

Riley:

Well, I for one think we should all say “Thank you Riley, for suggesting we get food before spending literally all evening hiding in some shrubbery while we wait for them to lock up the bloody cemetery.

Leo:

I did tell you we’d be here a while.

Riley:

Think we’re good to go, now?

Leo:

Should be, I haven’t heard anyone pass by for a while. Hey, stick the food wrappers in my bag will you, I’ll go check.

[SFX: Food wrappers being collected and stuffed in a bag, Leo’s footsteps becoming distant]

Leo:

(DISTANTLY) Yeah, we’re good, come on.

[SFX: Two sets of footsteps in grass]

Leo:

This is it.

Riley:

How dramatic. Imagine some small victorian child, little Timmy, say, son of one of the previous directors, being taken here on a day out “Look, son, one day you’ll go in the little corpse house too.”

Leo:

But at least the dead don’t bite! Most of them anyway.

Riley:

And of course little Timmy would know that, because he’s rich! And all the rich Victorian children read Latin. “Hey Timmy, can you say mama? No? How about Mortui Non Morden?”

Leo:

(LAUGHS)

[SFX: Footsteps continue, a heavy door opens, then footsteps turn echoey, before faltering]

Riley:

Uhhh Leo?

Leo:

(QUIETLY) I know.

Riley:

I hate to break it to you but….

Leo:

I know. I feel it too. Or… don’t feel it. How, though? Can you grab the EMF meter out my backpack, just to make sure?

[SFX: Bag unzips, some rummaging]

Leo:

Thanks.

[SFX: EMF switch is flipped, but there is no buzzing]

Leo:

How is this even…. possible? He’s not here, how is he not here? He’s a ghost, how far could he have even gone?

Riley:

He must have been removed. No other way for a ghost to just disappear like that.

Leo:

They’ve left him alone for so long, though. The report was made in the nineties. Why now? Shit. Shit, Riley, what if this happened last night? Or the night before? What if I had the means to come and take Mr. Whitley’s statement and I missed it because I was being a coward and now we’re missing some vital piece of information because of me and my bad deci-

Riley:

Hey, hey, you had no way of knowing he’d be gone. It’s like you said, there’s no reason why they should have removed him out of nowhere, right? There hasn’t been any new case file I’ve seen about it.

[SFX: Phone being unlocked, typing sounds]

Riley:

What are you doing?

[SFX: Faint outgoing ringing]

Leo:

Calling the guy from Friends of Highgate Cemetery—

[SFX: Faint answering machine message]

Leo:

—The one who made the report in the nineties. Hi! Dr. Hawkins, sorry to call so late. I’m calling from Better Place, about the removal of a ghost you requested from the Better Place mausoleum. Could you call me back on this number whenever you get a chance? It seems we’re missing some information from our records about the updated request for the removal of Mr. Whitley, just need a few details. Thanks a lot, bye now!

Riley:

Remind me to mock you for for (HIGH PITCHED) phone voice when we’re in a less stressful situation.

Leo:

I can’t believe this. I can’t believe…. We’re in a cemetery, there’s got to be some ghost somewhere that saw this happen.

Riley:

Leo, you know that’s not how ghosts work.

Leo:

Sometimes it is! Mr. Whitley haunted his own grave! Sometimes people haunt the graves of loved ones or- or, if their tether is an object instead of a place, right? This cemetery is full of rich people, rich people love to be buried with their belongings!

Riley:

You really think we’re likely to just stumble across a ghost that was nearby enough to see whoever came and removed—

[SFX: Footstepts hurrying away]

Riley:

Oh, okay, guess we’re going to try anyway

[SFX: Riley’s footsteps following]

Riley:

(SHOUTING) Leo! (WHISPERED) Jesus, Leo, don’t make me shout after you when we’re trespassing. Okay, think I’m gonna turn this thing off while they go around waving their EMF meter at random tombstones and hoping for the best. Maybe I’ll turn it back on if they ever actually find anything.

[SFX: Recording Ends]

[SFX: Recording Begins]

Riley:

Show ’em what you got, Leo. Go on. We’re sat on your living room floor, it’s three in the morning. We’re both deliriously tired, and the one thing standing between us and putting the events of tonight behind us is this last stretch of audio note-taking so. Go on. Show your future listeners, the future judge and jury or whoever listens to these audio diaries, what we’ve been up all night trying to get.

Leo:

I’d rather not, actually.

Riley:

I think it’s in your best interest, actually. Because I’m sleeping on your couch tonight and we have to be up for work in, oh, a couple hours, so you wanna get this over and done with as quickly as possible because you know what I’m like with no sleep.

Leo:

(SIGHS) Fine.

Riley:

Great, I’ll even provide helpful audio supplementation in the form of your end of the conversation.

Leo (On recording):

Here! Look, there’s someone here. Who- er, the gravestone says a Harriet Summers. Harriet, Harriet, hi, I need your help, have you seen anyone, recently, come through here in a Better Place uniform heading, er, that way, down towards the mausoleum with Mortui Non Morden carved across the top. It’s… It’s just out of sight, but it’s down that way, have you seen anyone suspicious heading that way at all?

Riley:

Now your turn, Leo. Show us what good ol’ Harriet had to say.

Leo (No longer on recording):

No need to be so smug about it.

Riley:

It is 3 am, who’s smug? I am tired.

Leo:

(GROANS)

[SFX: Mouse clicks]

Harriet (On recording):

Oh. My god. You can, like, hear me? Also what kind of a question is that. Don’t you need a warrant or something to interrogate me like that? Get that thing out of my face, wow. You’re like, the first person to talk to me in literal years and you’re just going to lead with that? How the hell am I even supposed to know what you’re talking about, Mortoy-non-what, Morden? Like the tube stop? I’m literally trapped here, that’s so insensitive, surely you know I can’t see anything outside of this area, right? Don’t you have anything to say for yourself? Oh my god, you can’t even hear me can you? What is even the point of asking if you’re not even going to be able to hear me? Is this all just some kind of joke for you? Did I not already mention the part about being trapped here on this patch of dirt for literal years? Because it is not fun, do you know how much I used to travel when I was alive? I did my gap year in Sri Lanka. A few years before I died I went inter-railing. In Europe. And now, what, just eternity here? I just, don’t get it, right? Because I’m here, in this stupid graveyard, for no good reason. And why? Like, literally what even is there to do. I’d have been better off dead, at least then I wouldn’t have to listen to the tourists and the tour guides be obsessing about Karl Marx or like, whatever. It’s like, I’m being taunted, right? Like, all these people walking past, and some of them are so hot and everything, and I can’t even flirt or anything, because I’m just some stupid ghost. Like, I really cannot stress enough just how boring it is just sitting, every single day, in this stupid gravey-

[SFX: Mouse clicks]

Leo:

I don’t think we need to listen to the whole thing.

Riley:

And for the listeners, Leo, did the ghost of Harriet Summers know anything about the removal of Mr. Whitley?

Leo:

(THROUGH GRITTED TEETH) If she did, it’s certainly not mentioned anywhere in the forty minute-long monologue.

Riley:

Okay, so say it with me now: Riley, you were right.

Leo:

I couldn’t not try! I couldn’t! What if Mr. Whitley had something really important to tell and it’s my fault he couldn’t. And- and, what about why he was removed? Because if this was an unofficial case, then does that mean Frank arranged it himself? Because if that’s the case, why? And how did he know to do it? Does he know about what I’m doing, does he know that I was about to go talk to Mr. Whitley again? Because if he did that would mean he’d know about the recorder and he’d know I got it working, but how would he know any of that?

Riley:

Alright, I’m hearing a shit-load of conjecture right now and not an awful lot of anything based in what we absolutely know to be true.

Leo:

Oh, and what is it, Riley, that we absolutely know to be true?

Riley:

Well next to fucking nothing, to be honest. Which is why we shouldn’t be taking wild guesses right now. We know Mr. Whitley was removed some time between a couple of months ago, when you spoke to him, and now. We are fairly sure, but not entirely so, that it wasn’t an officially logged case. That’s it. That’s all we know. And it’s all we can know, until tomorrow at least. So the best thing we can do now, is take a deep breath, get some sleep, and do some digging tomorrow. Okay?

Leo:

(LONG PAUSE)… Yeah. Yeah, okay. Sorry. You were right. About Harriet. I shouldn’t have dragged you around the cemetery like that for so long trying to find her. Sorry.

Riley:

It’s fine. I mean, it’s not. But I get it.

Leo:

Let’s, er, let’s try and get some sleep.

Riley:

There will be absolutely no try for me. Only pass the fuck out.

Leo:

You… You take my bed. I’ll take the couch. I’d offer to share but—

Riley:

Yeah, the night terrors. Best not to share a bed while those are still happening. Okay, I’ll happily take your bed, and we’ll call it even, ok? No more apologising.

Leo:

(WEAK LAUGH) Sounds like a fair deal. Night.

Riley:

G’night, dickhead.

[SFX: Riley stands, leaving, the door opening and closing behind them. After a moment, Leo stands, turns off a light switch, then sits heavily on the couch, sighing]

[SFX: Recording Ends]

Closing theme begins

Leanne:

Episode Fourteen of Tell No Tales, Grave Consequences, was written and performed by Leanne Egan. You also heard the voices of Phil Thompson as Riley, and Ann Yu Engebretsen as Harriet Summers. If you enjoyed this episode, the best way to support the show is to spread the word. Leaving us a rating and review in your listening app of choice is a huge help, or you can follow us on Twitter or Tumblr @tellnotalespod Links and information about transcripts can be found in the show notes. Tell No Tales is distributed by Wasting Company Time Productions, under a Creative Commons attribution non-commercial share-alike 4.0 international license. Thank you for listening, and remember: the dead don’t bite.

Closing theme ends