Leanne:

Happy Monday everyone, Leanne here. I know it’s been a couple of weeks, but before we start the episode, we just wanna showcase a trailer for a show that we love: The Vesta Clinic. We absolutely adore The Vesta Clinic in this house, and if you enjoy the format of Tell No Tales, I’m pretty confident you’ll enjoy The Vesta Clinic too. Instead of ghosts, you’ll meet patients from all kinds of alien planets, getting snapshots of their lives, their problems, their cultures, alongside Dr. Underwood’s own relationships and problems. It’s equal parts heartwarming and fascinating, so we really recommend giving them a listen. Look them up wherever you’re currently listening, or see our show notes for a link to their website. We’ll go ahead and run the trailer now, and then dive straight back into Tell No Tales. And, thanks again, everyone, for listening.

The Vesta Clinic Trailer Begins

Faye Underwood:

Patient: Ikogrisk, Ceresaur and ex-captain of the Fourteenth Guard of the Belt.  

Patient: ‘Maya’, DPCC ID 0185505. Human.

Patient: Do’oo’too, TroglodanPatient: Orik Orikosint, Calibuman

It says here that you’re called ‘Vesta Clinic Secretary Bot AX736 Model 3.0’? That’s a bit of a mouthful.

[SFX: computer typing]

Sec? You want me to call you Sec?

[Sec: Affirmative ping]

Uh, for the record, I’m not including Mr ZyQ in that list, he was actually sick and couldn’t really help where he aimed his pus.

We’re in the Vessel Launcher.

[Sec: Questioning ping]

Stop – stop it!

[Sec: Typing on screen, then questioning ping]

Well, because we’re about to be launched into a vessel!

Dakarai Solari:

Alright! Who’s catching the sharp end of this pipette?

Faye Underwood:

Oh, you are scathing when you want to be! I’ll use my doctor words when I remember what they are, okay?!

The Professor:

I never programmed you to be so . . .

[Sec: Typing on screen, questioning ping, typing on screen]

Oh, stop it.

[Sec: Negative ping]

Dakarai Solari:

Xael, is everything okay, honey?

Xaelest Adra:

Yes! I’m just – I’m trying to revise. So if you could both keep imminent threats to the clinic to a minimum?

Dakarai Solari:

Yes, boss!

AMC (Creator):

The Vesta Clinic is a science fiction audio drama about patients and their doctors . . . in Space! Episodes will be released every two weeks on Thursdays starting on Thursday 12th May. You can find the show in your local pharmacist or . . . wherever you get your podcasts. Can’t wait? Be sure to subscribe so you don’t miss us. We’re on most social media sites at @vestaclinicpod. We can’t wait to share these stories with you!

The Vesta Clinic Trailer Ends

TNT Opening theme begins

Leanne:

Wasting Company Time presents Tell No Tales, Episode Sixteen: Happy Place

TNT Opening theme ends

[SFX: Recording Begins, mouse clicks, then classical music begins playing]

Leo:

Audio diary of Leo Quinn, assistant to Frank Williamson, director of Better Place. And I knew it. I Goddamn knew it. I’m just saying, sometimes, sometimes, trust issues are a good thing. There I was, trying to set up a second date with Julia, but she’s too busy going on secret little missions for Frank. Probably. Okay, the details are unconfirmed but the evidence we do have is damning. Once they spotted Julia on the log, Riley did a little digging. The armoury requires an authorisation code for dispatchers to take out equipment. Normally, they’ll have one related to the case they’re working on, but on the rare occasion that there isn’t a case, you need authorisation from someone high up enough in the company to have their own code. Julia took out equipment for a solo mission out of hours last week using Frank Williamson’s very own unique code. Which begs the question…. Actually no, scratch that, it begs so many questions. It begs ALL the questions. First: how did Frank know to remove Mr Whitley just as I was about to interview him? Did he know about the recorder? In which case, why hasn’t he made any moves to stop me before now? And that’s just the Frank side of things. What about Julia? If she’s doing Frank’s dirty work does that mean she’s working with him? How much does she know? And how long has she known it? Is that why she was asking me so many questions about Frank and my work? And look, I know, I know this is unimportant in the grand scheme of things, I know okay? But I mean… Is that why she never called me back about that second date? (GROANS) Why am I like this?

[SFX: Knock on door, then door opens]

Leo:

Is there literally any point in reminding you that it’s
customary to wait for an answer after knocking?

Riley:

I think we’re long past that point babe.

[SFX: Case file landing on desk, office chair being pulled out and Riley sitting]

Here.

Leo:

What’s this?

Riley:

It’s the results of the DNA test. Just as we suspected, you’re my biological child! What does it look like, dickhead? It’s a new case.

Leo:

(UNAMUSED) You’re funny.

Riley:

I know.

Leo:

I can’t work another case right now, Riley, this is all too much.

Riley:

Look, what can we even do about Julia right now? All we can do is try to find out as much as we can, but that’s not going to happen overnight. In the meantime, you might as well get on with what you set out to do in the first place. You managed to go out and interview ghosts while you were mooning over Julia. I don’t see why you can’t still carry on now that you’re stressing over her instead.

Leo:

Will you stop? God, I can’t believe I was going to go on a second date with the double-agent ghost cop.

Riley:

We don’t know that she’s a double agent. She never actually claimed to be on our side. She might be working for Frank but she might not know that it’s against you. Plus, hear me out, I still think you should go on that second date.

Leo:

(SPLUTTERING INDIGNANTLY) Even if- I mean, even if she ever actually called me back, which she hasn’t, what makes you think- why would I even.

Riley:

Jesus, take a breath Leo. I’m not suggesting you two continue to like, actually date. I’m suggesting it could be a way to get more info, especially if she doesn’t know how much we know yet.

Leo:

Oh, yeah, because that’s an easy thing to work into conversation at the pub. “Hey Julia, been on any rogue operations for my boss recently?”

Riley:

Sure it is! “boy I sure do hate having to go to work every day, thanks capitalism. Oh, you know who hated capitalism? Karl Marx! Where was it he’s buried again, Highgate Cemetery right? Have you ever been?” Don’t you roll your eyes at me that was magnificently done.

Leo:

Doesn’t change the fact that she still hasn’t called me back. So it’s a moot point anyway.

Riley:

All the more reason to get back to work on interviewing ghosts then. Keep building the case against Better Place, as planned. Don’t you worry your pretty little head about Julia. I’m gonna handle it.

Leo:

What does that mean? You’re-

[SFX: Chair being pushed back, Riley walking away]

Riley:

I’m handling it! Get back to work, slacker.

Leo:

But-

Riley:

I’m handling it!

[SFX: Door opens, then closes]

Leo:

(BIG SIGH)

[SFX: Case file being opened]

Case NA#1806, Category two, Case status – Report received. Hm, looks like another collection of anonymous tips. In…. (LAUGHS) Oh, of course you did Riley. So this ghost just happens to haunt my favourite place in all of London? In a case file that’s over four years old? And it’s a total coincidence that they’ve given me this file just as I’m feeling a touch betrayed? Sure, Riley, you might pretend to be an ice cold prick but I see that secret softie.

[SFX: Pages being turned]

So here we have a collection of reports of spirit activity in Kensington Gardens. Specifically in that one spot where the green parakeets hang out. You know, those bright green ring-necked parakeets that nobody can be 100% sure how they became native to London? Well, there’s a spot in Kensington Gardens where if you go there, all you need to do is hold up an apple, and you’ll find yourself absolutely covered in parakeets in approximately three seconds. Maximum. Unless there’s about twelve tourists nearby holding up slightly tastier apples. Which, there usually is when I go. Looks like the reports came in as phone calls, I won’t bother reading out all the transcripts, they were all pretty standard reports of park goers who felt watched, strange chills, and… Strange roosting habits of the parakeets. That’s all the information they gave, really. Because the report never came through any official or actionable channels, the case was never assigned to a research team, so we know basically nothing about who this spirit could belong to. Which is… not ideal. Downright terrifying, actually. I mean, they might have progressed to a category three since 2018, and I am absolutely not ready to face a category three yet, but I do think it helps that they’ve been hanging out in a very public place for years and there’s been no reports of anyone being hurt. Alright. Fine, you win this one Riley. I’ll do my best to put Julia and Frank’s rogue out-of-hours expeditions out of my mind, and go talk to a ghost, because – and only because – I get to be covered in parakeets while I do.

[SFX: Recording Ends]

[SFX: Recording Begins]

Leo:

Well, that was… Okay fine that was really nice thank you Riley, but don’t you dare make me say it to your face. I did have, oh just, a mild anxiety attack, as soon as I felt her presence. Which, y’know. Standard. Just me, sitting on the grass alone in Kensington gardens, still cold and dewy because it was like, 6am, clutching a bag of apples to my chest while I hyperventilated. But… Honestly, I think she… I think she saw, and understood that she was the cause somehow. I kind of felt her retreat. That helped a lot. Cleared my mind enough to remind myself that a spirit polite enough to back off probably isn’t going to try to hurt me. So when I got my breath back, I stood, just me and her in the clearing, and I called out to her to let her know it was okay. I’ll just… play back both sides of the conversation.

Leo (On recording):

Hi, you here? Sorry for coming so early, I had to get here while it was still empty so I didn’t look like I was talking to myself. But it looks like I’m too early for the parakeets. My name’s Leo, I’m sorry, I don’t know who you are, but I know you’re a ghost. And, er, if you’re willing, I’ve got a recorder that can capture your voice if you’ll agree to share your story.

[SFX: Squawking, gradually becoming louder]

Oh. Oh wow, nicely done. Did you, like, call them here? That’s a pretty nice after-life gig. The almighty caller of parakeets. I’m going to take that as a yes, then? Okay, can you tell me who you are? Some identifiable details if you’re willing.

Mickey:

(LAUGHING) Yes, that’s a yes. You have no idea how hard it is to communicate when you can’t be seen, heard, or touched. So I’m glad I got the message across. My name’s Mickey Hart. I was born 12th September, 1973. I moved to the UK in 1991 for university, Oxford, but as soon as I graduated I moved right to London. I mean, who wouldn’t. It’s my favourite city in the world. And then I died when I was thirty-five, gas explosion. Wasn’t pretty. But thankfully I wasn’t there to see much of it. A lot of light, lot of noise, flash of pain, then… Here. Years later, going off the changing hair and fashion. Back in my happy place.

Leo:

Can you tell me why you think your spirit was tethered here?

Mickey:

Come on, what a question. I mean, you see those birds, right? You get it, you brought apples, you’ve been here before. Don’t waste those, by the way. No need. Look, uh, okay, lemme see if I can do this without hitting you on the head. Okay, if I make the apple grow on that branch right… there… when it drops down it should… Ha! Perfect. (LAUGHS) Okay, sorry, looks like you need a sec to process that. It’s okay, it’s a lot to get used to, I know. I’ll keep talking while you figure out if it’s safe to pick the apple up or not. Don’t worry, I didn’t poison it. To answer your question, I used to come here all the time. Whenever I’d had a bad day, when I was stressed, or there was mild inconvenience, or unbearable grief, it all brought me here. These parakeets squawk like a bitch but after a while it becomes soothing, don’t you think? Drowns everything out. And I’m not gonna lie, they kinda remind me of home. Plus they’re just beautiful to look at. (LAUGHS) Look there you go, you’re getting it. Looks like you’ve got a couple friends there, too.

Leo:

Okay and- and- hey, lil buddy. (CLEARS THROAT) Can you, er, can you tell me a bit about your afterlife so far? Oh, come on pal, you can share the apple no need to be a (CLEARS THROAT). Sorry. Go ahead.

Mickey:

No need to apologise, Leo. I get it, it’s not your fault, the little buggers can be very demanding of your attention once they catch sight of an apple. My afterlife has been, pretty much, this. I love it. I have some kind of weird ghostly connection with the birds? And I can’t really touch anything but I can do stuff like making that apple grow from that very specific branch. I have fun. Like, for example, take this. A few weeks back, right? there was this little boy, Bawling his eyes out, terrified of the birds. And his mum kept trying to coax him to hold up an apple, but he was screaming so loud they wouldn’t come anywhere near him. But I reached out to one of the parakeets, I’m not really sure how, just kind of… Thought at it, and it approached, tentative and gentle like, giving the boy time to get used to it. By the end, his parents had to drag him away, and only managed it when they promised they’d come back the next weekend. It’s little moments like that. Like you said, it’s honestly a pretty sweet gig.

Leo:

And I wanted to ask- I’m currently building a case that spirits should have the right to give or withhold consent with regards to removal by Better Place. Do you have any thoughts on the subject?

Mickey:

Hmm. Well, I consider myself to be a peaceful person. And I’ve never tried to use this connection I have with the parakeets for anything other than good. But, with that in mind, if Better Place ever tried to end my afterlife, let’s just say I’d probably be able to figure out a way to sic a squalling green army onto them.

Leo:

Great. Thanks for talking to me, and for the apple. Just before I go, is there anyone you’d like me to pass a message on to? Or, just, anything else you’d like to say?

Mickey:

Nope, not really. Nobody left in this world for me any more. That’s okay don’t worry, but, hey, maybe come visit me sometime? For one thing it’d be nice to have someone who knows who I am, that I’m here. And for another, I’m not gonna lie, it looks like you could use a happy place right about now, Leo. Hope that’s not overstepping.

Leo (No longer on recording):

So, yeah, aside from being a little bit read for filth by a ghost I’ve known for all of ten minutes… That wasn’t bad. I’ll probably take her up on that offer, actually. She wasn’t wrong. And I can see the appeal. I do love it there. And honestly, if that was my afterlife, I’d want to stay for eternity too. Especially when there’s so many unknowns. Is there an afterlife once a spirit is removed? And if there is, does Better Place even move the spirits over to it? Yeah, I’d take the certainty of apples, and parakeets, and happy tourists any day.

[SFX: Knock on door, then door opens]

Leo:

You know, at this point why do you even bother knocki- Riley, you alright?

[SFX: Office chair being pulled out and Riley sitting]

Riley:

Yeah, so remember how I was handling it?

Leo:

I do…..

Riley:

Yeah. Um. Once again I find myself in the uncomfortable position of… hear me out… admitting I was wrong.

Leo:

Ok-aay. Somehow I don’t feel satisfied, just concerned. Wanna tell me what’s going on?

Riley:

Might have snooped through Julia’s locker. Don’t give me that look, I get results. Anyway, I found this notebook, right? Kinda tucked away, wrapped up in some clothes like she didn’t want anyone to see it. Which, in my defence, is an invitation for me to see it. Anyway I took some pictures. Have a look at these.

[SFX: Phone being unlocked and passed over]

Leo:

(LETS OUT A LONG BREATH) Jesus. And I thought I was paranoid.

Riley:

Looks like you were right to be.

Leo:

But this- this is full blown, red-string, I want to believe, depths of reddit crap. What’s she even
investigating here?

Riley:

Kinda looks like… I dunno, everything? See, look, you’re in here. But so’s Frank. And there’s… It’s kind of an indecipherable mess but I see the word warehouse in there a lot. So maybe she’s investigating Better Place, but maybe she’s also investigating you?

Leo:

So… This doesn’t actually tell us anything except that Julia’s investigating something.

Riley:

Right. If there are sides, if it’s us vs. Frank, or us vs. Better Place, it’s… hard to tell from this which side she’s actually on.

Leo:

Great. Love that for us.

Riley:

Well, we’ve got photos of it now. We’ll figure it out. But not right now. Look at you, you need a nap or something.

Leo:

Or something. But yeah, you’re right. Let’s… Let’s rest, and regroup.

[SFX: Recording ends]

Closing theme begins

Leanne:

Episode Sixteen of Tell No Tales, Happy Place, was written and performed by Leanne Egan. You also heard the voices of Phil Thompson as Riley Matkins, and Michaela Hook as Mickey Hart. If you enjoyed this episode, the best way to support the show is to spread the word. Leaving us a rating and review in your listening app of choice is a huge help, or you can follow us on Twitter or Tumblr @tellnotalespod Links and information about transcripts can be found in the show notes.Tell No Tales is distributed by Wasting Company Time Productions, under a Creative Commons attribution non-commercial share-alike 4.0 international license. Thank you for listening, and remember: the dead don’t bite.

Closing theme ends