Opening theme begins

Leanne:

Wasting Company Time presents Tell No Tales, season two. Episode Fifteen: Crafting Universes.

Opening theme ends

[SFX: Gentle pop music plays in the background, footsteps as Leo approaches]

LEO

(PLEASANTLY SURPRISED) Morning!

[SFX: Leo removes their coat and hangs it up]

Wasn’t sure I’d see you in here today.

JULIA

(A LITTLE MANIC) With all this new information you’ve told me exists? Fat chance of finding me anywhere else.

LEO

How long have you been here?

JULIA

Uhhhh, what time is it now?

LEO

…Half eight.

JULIA

About three hours.

LEO

Julia!

JULIA

Leo!

LEO

Did you sleep at all?

JULIA

A bit! I went home after I dropped Riley off back here yesterday, they said they were going to wait for you, did they catch you?

LEO

Yeah, we talked it out, a bit. They’ve at least agreed to let Frank run some tests. They wanted to go home to sleep last night but Frank’s going to take a look at them in the labs today, then I think he wants to run some sleep trials tonight.

[SFX: Julia opening drawers and rummaging while Leo speaks]

JULIA

(BARELY LISTENING) That’s good. Can you pass me that notebook? No the one right next to it, spiral-bound. Yeah that’s it.

LEO

Are these Frank’s notes?

JULIA

Yup. Nonsense. But I’ve got your notes too. Sorry. No actually I’m not that sorry, I’ve snooped through your notes before, I never promised I wouldn’t do it again.

LEO

(LAUGHS) At least these aren’t quite as embarrassing. Are you using my notes to decode Frank’s?

JULIA

Yeah, it apparently takes one to know one when it comes to unhinged scientists.

LEO

That’s a fair assessment. And Frank just handed his notes over?

JULIA

I’m very persuasive.

LEO

(NERVOUS LAUGH) So’s he.

JULIA

Yeah, he didn’t actually seem all that against me looking into this. He must be getting desperate.

LEO

(A LITTLE DISTRACTED) Yeah, must be. Can, uh, can I help at all?

JULIA

Mmmmm, no I think I’m good. I’m almost caught up. Then I’m going to start looking into it myself. Honestly, you two inter-planar physics losers really needed a paranormal theologist in here from the start, huh?

LEO

Yeah. Yeah, we really did.

JULIA

If you had another spirit to interview, might as well do it now. Riley and I both called in sick to work, and these days Riley sleeps until past midday when they can, so I doubt they’ll be up and about for hours.

LEO

Right. Okay, yeah. I mean, if you’re on the spirit plane case, and uh, I don’t have to worry about Riley and Frank killing each other for another few hours… yeah. Yeah a new case file sounds good.

JULIA

(DISTRACTEDLY) Alright, see you later Leo.

[SFX: music fades out]

[SFX: Recording begins, classical music playing]

LEO

Audio diary of Leo Quinn, Specialist Surveyor for Frank Williamson. I’m… honestly, for the first time in a while I’ve got some actual time to kill. Not just needing to distract myself or like, desperately wanting to feel useful while stuck on some problem I can’t work through. Turns out having people around to help with the stuff that you’re stressed about is… helpful? Who knew?

It really does feel like a weight’s been lifted. Not completely, I mean, I’m still worried about Riley, but it helps knowing that they’ll be heading over in a few hours and Frank will help get to the bottom of it. And the spirit plane’s still collapsing, and that weight is still on me, but with Julia helping, it’s also on us. And Noah… I mean, I should be able to talk to him again in another few days. So there’s that. So, yeah. I can interview another spirit, for the sole purpose of just… doing my job. Which is nice.

CaseFG#1763 – Category one, case status: unresolved. Okay, so this is another one that was cancelled once research had been carried out. It was reported by a Sam Michaels, who noticed a category one in their living room back in 2017. But it turned out that the tether wasn’t the living room itself, but a set of… (UNCERTAIN, LIKE THEY’VE NEVER SAID THIS WORD BEFORE) polyhedral dice they were keeping there. Which made it really easy for research to do their jobs, because the dice belonged to Sam’s friend, Paola, who passed away in 2013.

But once Sam found out it was the dice that were being haunted, they cancelled the case immediately. I’m going to give them a call, then head over. I’m… Yeah, I don’t like to record these kinds of calls. They can be really difficult for the person on the other end. I know that more than ever now. Uh, alright, more later then, I suppose.

[SFX: Recording ends]

[SFX: Recording begins]

LEO

Just in here?

SAM

Yeah, that’s fine. Do you want anything? Tea or coffee?

LEO

A coffee would be great actually, if you have it. Also, er, sorry, do you mind if I record?

SAM

Hm? Oh, yeah, that’s no problem. You can get settled in, the dice are on the coffee table, I’ll be back in a sec.

LEO

Fantastic, thanks.

[SFX: Footsteps, then Leo sits on the couch and picks up a small box]

LEO

Oh these are cuute. They’re in a little treasure chest. Dice like these always make me wish I had time to play D&D.

[SFX: D20 being rolled, then a second clunk a moment after]

(LAUGHS) No way. Hey, does Sam know these dice are rigged, Paola? Uh, odds for no, evens for yes?

[SFX: D20 being rolled, then a second clunk a moment after]

LEO

(LAUGHING AGAIN) Good to know. Sorry, I’ll turn on the actual recorder in a second, I just couldn’t resist. Oh, hi, thanks!

SAM

No problem, did you roll?

LEO

Yeah, you ever play actual games with these?

SAM

I did for a while, but the number of natural twenties started getting suspicious.

LEO

Yeah, I’ll bet. Do you mind if I start the recorder?

SAM

Oh, yeah, go ahead.

LEO

Hi, Paola. I’m Leo. I assume Sam already briefed you about the recorder? So let’s just get started! Can you start by telling me a bit about yourself, just to confirm who you are?

[SFX: Recorder being turned on]

PAOLA

Oh, this is exciting! Hi Leo! Sure, I’m Paola Martelli… oh, Sam. Sam, don’t cry, I’m sorry. I forget how long it’s been since you’ve heard my voice. I’m here every day speaking to you… I almost forget you can’t hear me, I’m sorry.

SAM

(TRYING TO HOLD IT TOGETHER) No, no I’m fine. Honestly, Leo, you can keep asking your questions, really.

LEO

Sure. Just- you’re allowed to jump in, okay? Take your time, but you don’t have to be on the sidelines for this. (BEAT) Alright, so Paola, can you tell me about the dice that you’re tethered to?

PAOLA

Oh, Sam got me these! They were my first set. Well, sort of. They were my first pretty set. We played together for a while in uni, one of our friends was a Dungeon Master and convinced us all to play in his campaign. I got my first set for like a fiver in a comic shop. Nothing special, but they did the job. Then after about a year of playing our friend’s campaign, we all graduated and went our separate ways. Except me and Sam.

Then I stepped behind the DM screen, thought I’d try my hand at running a game. Sam got me these as a gift before our first session. They are gorgeous, aren’t they? Handmade. My first character was a druid, and she had pink and orange flowers in her hair. See the dried flowers in the resin? They’re for her.

SAM

You loved her. You cried for like three hours when the campaign ended, and your character didn’t even die.

PAOLA

(LAUGHING) Yeah, because some of us weren’t stupid enough to personally insult Vecna.

LEO

Uh… Vecna?

SAM

Big bad of that campaign. Ton of other campaigns too. Just another Lich trying to become a god.

PAOLA

Yeah, Sam’s character lent over during Vecna’s big evil speech and kissed him on the nose to piss him off. I practically saw the murder in our DM’s eyes as soon as they did that.

SAM

Yeah, well, I died nobly.

PAOLA

Sure you did. Unlike your character during my campaign-

SAM

Who died in a whole variety of other idiotic ways, yeah yeah, I remember. Thank god for clerics.

LEO

This sounds… really intricate.

PAOLA

Oh, it is. At least the way we play it. There are so many different arcs, so many characters to grow attached to.

LEO

At the risk of sounding like an idiot, what is it about D&D? Like, it sounds like fun, but what makes it the kind of thing that keeps your soul tethered here after you die?

PAOLA

I mean D&D isn’t the only… Well, that’s not what you asked, I suppose. It’s just… So, I’m a play-wright. Or I was, when I was alive. There was nothing I loved more than telling a great story and seeing other people bring it to life in ways I couldn’t have even imagined.

But with D&D, it takes the whole collaborative storytelling thing to the next level. Sure there are some people that love the numbers and the rules of it, that just want to, y’know, roll some dice and kill some goblins and collect some loot. But with the right people, you and your friends are making entire worlds unfold at the table. The story looks nothing like you expected when you planned the session. Because five of the people you love most in the world are sat at the table with you, telling stories of their own, with goals and motivations of their own.

There’s nothing like it. Everyone is a writer, an actor, a director. You have to be vulnerable enough to sit at a table with some friends and a pizza and not feel like an idiot when you start roleplaying a gnome sorcerer. That takes a certain kind of trust. But if everyone there has that trust in each other, then the table fades away entirely, and by the end you’ve crafted a universe together.

SAM

(LONG PAUSE) Wow, Paola… you know, I’ve been trying to put that into words for years.

PAOLA

(SMALL LAUGH) And that’s why I am the DM. Most of the time, anyway. Or was. I’ve been really enjoying watching your campaign these last couple of years though, Sam. You’re killing it! I can’t believe how nervous you were.

LEO

How long do these campaigns last?

PAOLA

Oh, it depends. Anywhere from a single session to… well, however long you’re willing to tell the story for I suppose. My longest campaign must have been, what five years?

SAM

Six, I think. But we didn’t play for all of it. Adult jobs and all that. You ever tried to get six adult friends in the same room at the same time on any kind of regular basis?

LEO

I haven’t, but it sounds tough.

SAM

(A LITTLE BITTER) Yeah, especially when our DM is dating most weekends.

PAOLA

Sam! Ugh.

SAM

I- Sorry, that wasn’t fair. It’s not your fault I didn’t have a life.

PAOLA

Sam, you’re still such an idiot.

SAM

Wh- come on! Why?

PAOLA

I’ve been in love with you since the day we met. (LAUGHING) Moron.

LEO

(QUIETLY GASPS, THEN SQUEAKS)

SAM

W- what? No, you- it was always- I was the one pining over you! You had all these people you were dating!

PAOLA

Yeah, and you never wondered why none of them stuck? I obviously had no idea you liked me back, until after I died and I’d hear you talk about me to our friends. It was so frustrating because all I wanted to do was scream at you that I’m head over heels in love with you, always have been…

LEO

(QUIETLY) Woah.

PAOLA

But you couldn’t hear me, could you?

SAM

Paola. I didn’t just like you back. You- I mean, you were my best friend, and the absolute love of my fucking life. I can’t believe we didn’t- that we’re only just talking about it now.

LEO

I, uh. I think this might be my cue to leave. You guys clearly have something to work out, and I don’t want to impede that by being here. I can leave the recorder with you both, if you promise to be careful with it? I’ll need it back tomorrow morning.

SAM

Yeah, yes. That’ll be- thank you. I can’t believe… you’re not messing with me, right Paola?

PAOLA

Were you honestly that oblivious?

SAM

I- Apparently, yes!

LEO

Yeah, you two have fun. I’m so glad you- yeah. I’ll see you tomorrow.

[SFX: Recording ends]

[SFX: Footsteps fade in, alongside muffled music and shouting from behind a door.]

LEO

Hey, I’m back. Did Riley show-

JULIA

(OVERLAPPING AND MUFFLED BEHIND A DOOR) Yeah, withholding information is super helpful you-

[SFX: Door opens, Julia’s voice and classical music both become clearer]

-pompous cuck!

LEO

Uh, hi Frank… Julia… Did I… interrupt something?

JULIA

Nope. Maybe you can talk some sense into him though.

LEO

Yeah, trust me, I’ve tried. What’s up?

FRANK

Ms. Wilde is asking impertinent questions, none of which I am under any obligation to answer. Especially considering that I have graciously not requested any legal paperwork to be signed before handing over my notes on the spirit plane.

JULIA

No, you’re not obligated to do shit, that’s what got you into this mess in the first place. I, however, am here to get you out of this mess. So if you avoid my questions, then you clearly don’t need my help. I’ll just pack up my things, shall I?

LEO

Wait, no, Julia, obviously we need your help. What- what do you need to know?

JULIA

Why isn’t he moving the spirits on? He knows the problem is overpopulation. All it took was one glance at these notes for me to know it too. So there’s an easy fix for that. Why aren’t you taking it, Frank?

FRANK

I do not have to- I won’t stand here and be interrogated-

LEO

I mean, I’ve been wondering the same thing, Frank. I’m sorry I haven’t brought it up in, you know, less hostile circumstances. I have been meaning to, there’s just been so much going on…

FRANK

I-

JULIA

He doesn’t know.

FRANK

That is quite an accusation Ms. Wilde.

JULIA

Look at his face, Leo, that’s the closest thing I’ve ever seen to panic on Frank’s expression. The Great Frank Williamson has no idea how to move spirits on to the other side, does he? Do you Frank? Didn’t you think anyone would-

FRANK

(LOSING HIS TEMPER) How was I supposed to know? How could I have known that the ritual for moving spirits on was the most closely guarded secret in the country? I killed the only man who knew it, and then I killed the only man he might have told it to. (DESPERATELY) How could I have known?

LEO

Oh, Frank.

FRANK

Don’t you dare pity me, Leonardo.

JULIA

Yeah he just confessed to multiple murders, pity’s a bold choice.

LEO

I kind of already knew about the murders. I think. You mean your brother Edgar? And then, I’m guessing your middle brother. Uh… Colin, right?

FRANK

No, not Colin. Colin was already an old man by the time Edward retired, and had little interest in the family business. Edgar’s right-hand man, Thomas. He was set to take over from Edgar, so when I used Edgar’s spirit for the serum… yes, I had to get rid of Thomas too, of course. I couldn’t go through everything I went through only to watch the business pass over to Thomas.

But I couldn’t have… When I took over, my new assistant asked me if my father had passed on the secret of the ritual to me. I, of course, said yes. I could hardly show weakness in my first moments as director. And then I fired him. Over time nobody left at Mortui Non Morden, soon to become Better Place, even remembered that there was a ritual for me not to know.

JULIA

Jesus. You’re even sicker than I thought.

LEO

W- Hold on ’cause this is… I mean it’s not good, but it’s something? It means there is a way to do it. Just because we don’t know it doesn’t mean we can’t find out.

JULIA

Would be better if he’d just left shit alone and someone else who actually knew what the hell they were doing would be in charge by now.

FRANK

Unfortunately for you, Ms. Wilde, I am in charge. Whether you like it or not. So-

LEO

Alright, alright, let’s all just calm down, okay?

RILEY

The fuck have I just walked into?

LEO

Riley. Hi.

RILEY

Are mummy and daddy fighting?

LEO

That is, uh, a weird analogy on multiple fronts. But it doesn’t matter right now. Does it, Julia? We can look into this more later, but right now… Riley is here, and Frank is here, and one problem at a time, ok? Frank is going to go and find out what’s wrong with Riley.

RILEY

Nothing, because I am fine.

LEO

Sure, whatever, Frank is going to go and find out that nothing’s wrong with Riley, and that’s his priority right now. We can figure out the rest together, ok Julia? Picking fights helps nobody.

FRANK

Very well said, Leonardo.

JULIA

Don’t you start, they’ve already got this weird little obsession with you, you’re obviously manipulating them or-

LEO

Julia!

FRANK

I am leaving, before I can be insulted further. Mx. Matkins, please join me in lab seven when you are ready.

[SFX: Frank leaving]

LEO

Did you really have to throw that last insult out?

JULIA

Is it an insult, or is it true? You two have this proper dodgy little relationship going on and I don’t like it.

LEO

We do not, it’s just- he’s-

JULIA

(HORRIFIED) Oh my god. Are you two-

RILEY

(LONG PAUSE) She’s asking if you and Frank are fucking, Leo.

LEO

ABSOLUTELY NOT. It’s nothing like that. It’s- it’s- ugh. It’s more like… uh…

RILEY

Like a fucked up little father figure dynamic?

LEO

That’s… Really well put. Yeah. Yeah, le-let’s go with that. (PAUSE) He’s not manipulating me, I swear. He’s just… he cares about me.

RILEY

Well let’s hope he cares about me by proxy, because I’m about to go under his scalpel.

LEO

I’m pretty sure he’s just going to like, draw some blood or something but sure.

RILEY

Yeah tell that to me when he’s doing electroshock therapy.

LEO

(EXASPERATED) Just go, Riley. We’ll be right here. I promise if we hear screaming we’ll come running.

Closing theme begins

Leanne:

This episode of Tell No Tales was written and produced by Leanne Egan. In it, you heard the voices of Leanne Egan as Leo, Shannon Kelly as Julia, Saph the Something as Sam, Valentina Vinci as Paola, Asher Amor-Train as Frank, and Phil Thompson as Riley. If you enjoyed this episode, we’d love it if you let someone know. It doesn’t have to be us, but it would be a nice ego boost if it was. You can find us on Twitter or Tumblr @tellnotalespod and as always, links and information about transcripts can be found in the show notes. Tell No Tales is distributed by Wasting Company Time Productions, under a Creative Commons attribution non-commercial share-alike 4.0 international license. Thank you for listening, and remember: the dead don’t bite.

Closing theme ends