Opening theme begins

Leanne:

Wasting Company Time presents Tell No Tales, season two. Episode Seven: A Day Where Nothing Weird Happens.

Opening theme ends

[SFX: Microwave running, popcorn pops]

FRANK

(YELLING FROM A DISTANCE, BUT GETTING CLOSER) Leonardo? Leonardo! Where have you… Oh, here you are. You know, I do not think I have ever seen you use this kitchen.

LEO

I didn’t leave these labs for about a month after I came to work down here.

[SFX: Microwave dings]

How do you think I survived?

[SFX: Leo opens the bag of popcorn and empties it into a bowl]

FRANK

Spite, primarily. Is that popcorn?

LEO

Yep. Want some?

FRANK

God no. (PAUSE) Salted?

LEO

I’m not a freak.

FRANK

So…

LEO

Yes, salted.

FRANK

Well then. Perhaps, just… Eat the popcorn Frank. It’s not poisoned.

[SFX: Frank rummages in the bowl and takes a mouthful]

LEO

Unless maybe it is.

FRANK

One might argue that this atrocious processed food all falls into the category of poison.

LEO

That’s why you’re reaching for a second handful?

FRANK

Many have also argued that opium could be considered poison too. And yet, (WISTFULLY) back in my day…

[SFX: Frank takes another mouthful]

LEO

Did you need something?

FRANK

(MOUTH FULL) Hmnph?

LEO

(ABSOLUTELY NOT AUDIBLY SMILING, DON’T WORRY ABOUT IT, LEANNE IS A PROFESSIONAL ACTOR WHO IS DEFINITELY CAPABLE OF CAPTURING A SINGLE TAKE IN WHICH THEY’RE NOT LAUGHING AT ASHER’S DELIVERY OF THE PREVIOUS LINE)

You were looking for me?

FRANK

(SWALLOWS) Oh! Yes! Well, I was wondering… Do you have plans this evening?

LEO

Well, I was actually hoping to take a night off. Have a movie night, take a break from the stress and the horrors and just have a nice, relaxing day where nothing weird happens and nothing goes wr-

FRANK

Excellent! So you can help me with an experiment then?

LEO

I think you interpreted that information very differently from how I meant it.

FRANK

(ALREADY LEAVING) It will not take long, the sooner you help, the sooner you may return to your evening of relaxation!

LEO

(SIGHS, PLACES POPCORN BOWL DOWN AND LEAVES)

[SCENE FADES OUT]

[MUSIC: In The Hall of the Mountain King fades in very gradually]

LEO

Well, this is upsetting.

FRANK

Whatever do you mean?

LEO

The horrifying doll? The most haunted-looking doll I’ve ever seen? With the terrifying glass eyes and the creepy victorian frock?!

FRANK

I thought it was rather charming.

LEO

Why is it here?

FRANK

I have had a breakthrough, Leonardo! Instead of working on tethering a spirit to some kind of temporary tether device, I have found a way to transfer a spirit’s essence into a new object entirely! It would bypass the need for a tether completely, by acting as a sort of host body for the spirit! Isn’t that wonderful?

LEO

You want to put a ghost inside the creepiest doll known to man?

FRANK

It is a child’s toy! I thought it might be sweet. Less morbid.

LEO

I think you may need to redefine your definition of morbid.

FRANK

Hush, I do not require your feedback. I only need you to hold the doll still while I attempt to transfer this spirit.

LEO

Wait, you’re about to trial this out on an innocent spirit? Why would I help you with that? Seems a little out of character, don’t you think?

FRANK

Don’t be silly. This episode isn’t canon. Now hurry along and do as I say, otherwise the plot simply won’t move forward.

LEO

Wait, what did you say?

FRANK

I said I’m your boss, Leonardo, stop asking questions.

LEO

Fair enough, just here?

FRANK

Yes, perfect. Now, if I place the spirit’s capsule on this pedestal and activate the transference beam, then it should….

[SFX: Lever cranks, beam powers up, then sputters out]

FRANK

…not do that.

LEO

Was something supposed to happen?

FRANK

No, Leonardo, I designed this for the express purpose of doing absolutely nothing.

LEO

Well, maybe you’re doing something wrong, let me see.

[SFX: Leo’s footsteps]

FRANK

I assure you that I’ve done everything correctly! Perhaps you weren’t holding the doll steady enough, look…

[SFX: Frank’s footsteps]

What if you positioned her over-

LEO

Wait, maybe we shouldn’t stand in the middle of the beam, what if it’s sort of like when you light a firework and-

[SFX: Beam powers up rapidly, the room is filled with the sound of it for a few moments, ‘In the Hall of the Mountain King’ crescendos, then a long pause as silence falls]

FRANK (LEO’S BODY)

I think I jinxed it.

[MUSIC: Tchaikovsky’s Waltz of the Flowers fades in]

FRANK (LEO’S BODY)

Don’t be so superstitious. Though quite right, safety first. I may need to sit down, I feel a little…

LEO (FRANK’S BODY)

Disoriented? Yeah, everything’s a bit… Did I get taller? Where the hell did you even go, weren’t you just in front of me?

FRANK (LEO’S BODY)

Ah. Yes. I still am, it seems. Turn around. I think… perhaps…

LEO (FRANK’S BODY)

Oh, fuck all the way off.

FRANK (LEO’S BODY)

Yes, rather. It seems the experiment worked, after a fashion.

LEO (FRANK’S BODY)

You’re me! Am I…? (HORRIFIED) Oh my god. I’m…

FRANK (LEO’S BODY)

Me?

LEO (FRANK’S BODY)

…(MORE HORRIFIED) wearing a designer suit. Why is this so uncomfortable? How much did this cost to be so uncomfortable?

FRANK (LEO’S BODY)

Sometimes, things that are expensive-

LEO (FRANK’S BODY)

(OVERLAPPING) Woah. You feel weird.

FRANK (LEO’S BODY)

Well, that is simply inappropriate.

LEO (FRANK’S BODY)

No, I mean, it feels weird to be you. You’re like. Solid, but you’re… like I feel like I’m not quite… is this what you mean when you say you’re kind of half on the material plane and half on the spirit plane? It’s… ugh… you live like this?

FRANK (LEO’S BODY)

(OFFENDED) I could say much the same about you. When was the last time you slept, Leonardo? Or ate a vegetable for that matter. How much caffeine do you currently have in your system? I think this may be what a heart attack feels like.

LEO (FRANK’S BODY)

Oh, no that’s just my natural state. Stick around, maybe you’ll get to have a panic attack for me. I’ll sit back and be annoyingly unhelpful. It’ll be great.

FRANK (LEO’S BODY)

I’ll have you know that I-

LEO (FRANK’S BODY)

(OVERLAPPING, FRANK IMPRESSION, OVER THE TOP POSH) Leonardo, you simply must calm down and help me torture these spirits. No no, we do not have time for panic attacks, we have science to do. Leonardo! Oh, look at me, I’m so good at science, watch and learn, then perhaps you will grow up to be a big, gaey, evil syupervillain like me some day, then-

FRANK (LEO’S BODY)

(OVERLAPPING, ANNOYED) If you’re finished? That’s droll, coming from you! (LEO IMPRESSION, IN A BAD YORKSHIRE ACCENT BECAUSE THAT’S NORTHERN RIGHT?) I’m Leo Quinn, assistant to… Wait, no, I don’t know what I am any more! But I do know that I’m the smartest scientist in the room, but it doesn’t matter because I don’t need science when I’ve got my ideals. Why make progress when you can make friends? And everyone wants to be my friend because I’m loveable and Northern!

LEO (FRANK’S BODY)

Aw, you think I’m loveable? Also, what was that accent? Where do you think I’m from?

FRANK (LEO’S BODY)

You’re… well, the north? Somewhere. Maybe the… somewhere in the region of… (TRAILS OFF)

LEO (FRANK’S BODY)

No, go on.

FRANK (LEO’S BODY)

Well, it’s… sort of…

LEO (FRANK’S BODY)

Li….

FRANK (LEO’S BODY)

Li… Le….Leeds?

LEO (FRANK’S BODY)

Liverpool! Jesus, Frank!

FRANK (LEO’S BODY)

You do not sound like you’re from Liverpool.

LEO (FRANK’S BODY)

God, you’ve been talking to my parents, haven’t you?

FRANK (LEO’S BODY)

You know very well that I have not, since you refuse to introduce me. Though perhaps I will pay them a visit now. Where is my phone? Ah, just here. And what wonders, I can unlock it using my – forgive me – your face.

LEO (FRANK’S BODY)

I will kill you.

FRANK (LEO’S BODY)

And risk being stranded in my body forever?

LEO (FRANK’S BODY)

Worth it. I’ll sell Better Place for a small fortune, drag your name through the mud, ruin your livelihood, then use the money to retire to a private island and finally get that goddamn day off I wanted.

FRANK (LEO’S BODY)

You wouldn’t dare.

LEO (FRANK’S BODY)

I would. Try and stop me. You’re me now, I’m weedy. I can take me.

FRANK (LEO’S BODY)

Ha, unlikely. you are restricted to my body, which has not been involved in manual labour in many… well, ever, really.

LEO (FRANK’S BODY)

(WHINY) Just shut up and give me my phooneeee backkkkk

FRANK (LEO’S BODY)

(MOCKING) Ah ah ah! Don’t you mean my phone? After all, I am Leo Quinn, assistant-

LEO (FRANK’S BODY)

Argh!!

[SFX: Frank!Leo tackles Leo!Frank. A few thumps and fabric rustles, with at least one full-blown open-handed slap]

LEO (FRANK’S BODY)

Give it!

FRANK (LEO’S BODY)

This is preposterous, stop- you bit me?

LEO (FRANK’S BODY)

I bit me.

[SFX: Door is slammed open]

RILEY

What in the holy [BEEP] have I [BLEEP] walked in on in this [BLEEP] hell hole room [BLEEP] grappling with [BLEEP] tall gaunt stick insect [BLEEP]ed up toxic [BLEEP] daddy-son complex is [BLEEP] this?!

[SFX: Record scratch, music stops]

LEANNE

Oh, er, Phil. This is not your episode, you’re next week. Sorry, yeah. Wrong episode.

PHIL

(SIGNIFICANTLY SCOUSER. FOR SOME REASON. I HONESTLY DON’T KNOW WHY. I THINK PHIL WAS TRYING TO GO FOR HIS ‘NORMAL VOICE’ BUT IT’S IMPORTANT YOU ALL KNOW THAT THIS IS NOT WHAT PHIL SOUNDS LIKE NORMALLY)

Oh. Oh, right. Er. Oh. (NERVOUS LAUGH) Sorry, er, my bad. I’ll leave you guys to it. Tara…

[SFX: Door closes softly, then locks]

[SFX: Record scratch, music resumes]

FRANK (LEO’S BODY)

That’s quite enough of that, unhand me Leonardo, I… Come now!

[SFX: Lever is pulled, beam powers up rapidly, silence again after the beam crescendos]

LEO

What did you just- Oh. Oh! I’m me again. And you’re… Jesus, Frank, you’re like, really in my personal space here.

FRANK

Well, you only have yourself to blame… (ODDLY LUSTFULLY) Latching onto me like that.

LEO

I mean, you can let go. You’re… really… close.

[MUSIC: y’know that one motif that plays when someone falls in love? It’s so overused it’s become comical? I’m pretty sure it’s what plays in The Sims when a Sim has their first kiss. Romeo & Juliet by Tchaikovsky if you wanna get technical about it]

FRANK

(WHISPERED) Indeed.

LEO

(SLOWLY, COMICALLY WISTFUL) Like, almost close enough to…….

FRANK

(CLEARS THROAT, STEPS BACK) Leonardo, I do not think…

LEO

No, you’re so right.

[SFX: Leo steps back too, keeps walking]

LEO

That’d be insane. Like… (VOICE QUALITY CHANGES SIGNIFICANTLY. THE AUDIO EQUIVALENT OF TALKING DIRECTLY TO THE CAMERA) actually insane. I’m so serious. Anyone who thinks that would be a good idea must be a truly sick and twisted individual.

(transcriber’s note: this is a joke, we’re actually really enjoying the Frank x Leo shipping. It’s very much not our vision for it but I love that for you guys)

FRANK

Quite right. Though you do not have to keep backing away from me, I do not have, um… cooties… no, really Leo, you’re awfully close to the lev-

LEO

Woah!

[SFX: Leo stumbles back, knocks the lever. The beam does its thing again. Moment of stillness.]

LEO

Oh my god I am so sorry. Am I… oh, thank god, I’m still me. Wait, Frank? Frank are you… oh God.

[SFX: Leo falls to their knees]

Frank, wake up. Please. Please be okay, I don’t know what I’ll do without you. I never told you this but… hold on, he’s breathing… Frank?

FRANK (IN THE DOLL)

(VOICE PITCHED UP CONSIDERABLY) No, keep going Leonardo. Tell me how heartbroken you’d be if I died.

LEO

Where the hell?

FRANK (IN THE DOLL)

Over here, Leo.

[MUSIC: Flight of the bumblebee fades in]

LEO

Jesus Christ that’s the worst thing I’ve ever seen.

FRANK (IN THE DOLL)

Do you think so? I find the frock rather flattering myself. And such marvellous ringlets. Ah, they simply do not make dolls of this calibre anymore.

LEO

Just when I thought that doll couldn’t get any creepier.

FRANK (IN THE DOLL)

Just switch me back, if it is such a bother.

LEO

Mmmmm, let’s not get too hasty there, Frank. Your body, it’s okay without you in it for a little while?

FRANK (IN THE DOLL)

Well, as you mentioned, I do seem to be breathing, so I am not overly concerned. It is likely that my body will simply remain in a state similar to sleep until my essence is returned to it.

LEO

In that case… I mean, I’m kind of warming to this new form. You’re small, you’re cute, you’re harmless. Maybe I will have that night off after all. Fancy a movie night, Frank?

FRANK (IN THE DOLL)

Leonardo, don’t you dare-

[SFX: Leo walks over and picks up the doll]

Unhand me! I can have you fired for this. Put me down!

LEO

Have you ever seen Stardust, Frank?

[SFX: footsteps, scene fades out]

[SFX: Classical music fades in. It is not the Stardust credits music, because that’s copyrighted, but let’s pretend it is. Music stop as TV clicks off]

FRANK (IN THE DOLL)

Well, colour me surprised.

LEO

Told you. It has ghosts and obnoxious rich men. I knew you’d like it.

FRANK (IN THE DOLL)

I especially enjoyed the scene on the ship, with the can-can, and the-

LEO

The drag queen sky pirate! Yeah! (YAWNS) One of my favourites.

FRANK (IN THE DOLL)

Uh… Leonardo? Would you mind terribly…

LEO

(SLEEPILY) Hm? Oh, yeah. Sorry. I’ll put you back in your body. Just… five more minutes… (TRAILS OFF, LONG PAUSE)

FRANK (IN THE DOLL)

Leo?

LEO

(SNORING SOFTLY)

FRANK (IN THE DOLL)

Leo? (LONG PAUSE, LEO CONTINUES SNORING) Ah. Well, not to worry. You just rest, Leo. You certainly need it. There’s always tomorrow. (HUMS THE CAN-CAN SOFTLY TO HIMSELF)

Closing theme begins

Leanne:

This episode of Tell No Tales was written and produced by Leanne Egan. In it, you heard the voices of Asher Amor-Train as uh, wait, lemme… Asher Amor-Train as Frank, Frank!Leo, Frank!Leo doing an impression of Frank, and Doll!Frank. And Leanne Egan as Leo, Leo!Frank, and Leo!Frank doing an impression of… Babs from Chicken Run?

Just in case you hadn’t quite noticed, this was not our usual scheduled programming for today. Sorry, April Fool’s Day fell on a Monday this year and we just couldn’t resist. The real episode seven will be posted tomorrow, and we’ll be back on track next Monday with episode 7.5. Until then, stick around after the credits for some Foolish bloopers, and thank you for listening. And remember, the dead don’t-

FRANK

Don’t bite. Unless you ask nicely.

LEANNE

Hey that was my line!

Closing theme ends

LEANNE

(LAUGHING) This is why- this is why I can’t record with you because I’m too busy giggling at your delivery.

ASHER

(GIGGLES)

LEANNE

(AS LEO) Did you need something?

ASHER

(AS FRANK) Mmhp?

LEANNE

(LOSES IT. SLIGHT PAUSE AS THEY TRY TO PULL THEMSELVES TOGETHER) No, sorry (LOSES IT AGAIN)

ASHER

(LAUGHS)

LEANNE

(DEEP BREATH) okay.

ASHER

(GIGGLING)

LEANNE

(BREAKS AGAIN) I can hear you giggling!

ASHER

No you can’t!

LEANNE

(AS LEO!FRANK) I’m Leo Q- No, that was. Vowels.

ASHER

(OVERLAPPING) So, shrill Yorkshire. (SHRILLY AND YORKSHIRE-LY) I’m Leo Quinn, assistant to-

LEANNE

(GASPS, OVERLAPPING) I don’t want to be a pie. I don’t like gravy!

ASHER

(GASPS) Absolutely! Babs.

LEANNE

That’s the one.

ASHER

Yes. yessss.

LEANNE

(LAUGHING) We’ve chanelled her.

ASHER

She’s here, she’s in the room.

LEANNE

(AS LEO) really close…

ASHER

(AS FRANK, SEDUCTIVELY) indeed.

LEANNE

(SHORT PAUSE, THEN BREAKS) Sorry (LAUGHING, NOT THAT SORRY)

ASHER

(GIGGLES)

ASHER

(AS FRANK!LEO) a big, gaey, evil syupervillain like me someday, then-

LEANNE

(FAILS TO SUPPRESS LAUGHTER) I’m sorry. I was trying so hard to keep the laughter silent so I didn’t throw you off, but then when it came time to me to speak it was just all inside.

ASHER

(LAUGHING)

LEANNE

(DEEP BREATH)

ASHER

Well that’s promising at least

LEANNE

(AUDIBLY STRAINING TO STOP LAUGHING) Yep, that was good, that was amazing.

ASHER

(AS DOLL!FRANK, HUMMING THE CAN-CAN SOFTLY, WHICH NO HUMAN SHOULD BE ABLE TO DO)

LEANNE

(ACTUALLY CRYING WITH SUPPRESSED LAUGHTER) ah that was perfect.

ASHER

(GIGGLES)